Dear Family Coach: My kids whine and complain about everything. It's nonstop, and I'm losing my mind. I can't take it, but I also can't seem to fix it. Help! — Desperate Dad

Dear Dad: I know whereof you speak. That whiny, nagging, cringe-worthy voice from children is like nails on a chalkboard. Toddlers whine about having to put on shoes for school. Kids complain about not getting enough dessert or about how they hate dinner. Teens want more time on their cellphones. Siblings whine about how life isn't fair because ______ always gets more ______. Supermarket shopping would be a breeze without all of the begging for Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch and Thin Oreos and Pop-Tarts, etc., etc.

Kids whine for one simple reason: It works. They know if they just keep at it eventually a worn-down parent will give in, and — come a day later — Twinkies will appear in the lunchbox. Even if the whining doesn't result in a reward every time, children aren't discouraged. A child begs and pleads daily to avoid eating her vegetables. Most nights she isn't successful, but one night she is. That one night's success is enough to give her a glimmer of hope that she can do it again. And thus the cycle of constant complaining begins.

To break the cycle you need to stay on course and ignore it. Truly, seriously, devoutly ignore it. If you say no to an extra bedtime story make sure to follow through. If you told the kids the TV would be turned off in five minutes, turn it off in five minutes. Ignore the begging, whining and negotiating. Be strong and hang in there. The kids will shift into high gear when their usual tactics stop working. Eventually they will realize whining doesn't get them what they want, and they will give it up. Wait for it. It will come.

Dear Family Coach: I have always had a great relationship with my teenage daughter. I trust her, and she gets good grades. However, I recently found a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of her jacket. How can I address this with her without her thinking I was snooping? — Worried

Dear Worried: This is a tricky high wire to balance on here. You should address the cigarettes with her. But you need to be careful not to be accusatory or admonishing right off the bat. Parents who try to discipline their teens about drinking and smoking run the risk of the child shutting down. Teens who get lectured and restricted often simply take their activities underground. They might still smoke and drink, but they stop telling parents about it.

Parents need to work hard to keep the lines of communication open during the teen years and beyond. In order to accomplish this, you need to listen more than you talk. Tell your daughter honestly what you found. Don't accuse her of anything. Ask her to tell you about it. What are her thoughts on smoking? Do her friends smoke? What does she know about the consequences of smoking? Let her know how you feel about smoking without lecturing. Tell her, conversationally, why don't you smoke?

Try to treat your daughter as a mini adult. In a few short years she will be out on her own making her own choices. The best you can hope for is that she continues to talk to you about her life without feeling like she will be told what to do. Start practicing now.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.