Dear Family Coach: My daughter is in sixth grade and just got her first cellphone. I am tempted to check her texts and Instagram account, but that feels like spying. How much privacy should I give her with her phone? — Prying Dad

Dear Dad: Even toddlers know how to use iPhones and DVRs these days. But knowing how to play an app or watch a favorite show isn't the same as understanding digital etiquette and safety. In sixth grade, kids are not knowledgeable enough about the world to use digital devices unsupervised.

There should be no assumption of privacy for your preteen. You should know the password and your daughter should understand that her phone is your phone, too. It is not just your right, but also your obligation to monitor her online presence. Reading her texts and posts will help her learn what is and is not appropriate without making any costly mistakes.

She may post an innocent picture of her legs without realizing that someone may copy and paste that image inappropriately without her permission. She could easily become friends with someone she doesn't know online without understanding the potential hazards. And she could be sucked into cyber bullying in the blink of an eye without proper guidance.

There are many lessons to learn, and the learning curve is steep. In order to teach her you need to monitor her. It will not feel like an invasion of privacy if she understands you are interested in helping her stay safe online. Furthermore, make it nonnegotiable. If she wants the phone she will work with you on this.

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old isn't a stellar student. With tutoring he managed to do well enough to graduate. However, he isn't interested in looking at colleges or starting the application process. I have tried everything, and now I am starting to lose it. How will he be successful in this day and age without college? Please help. — Panicked Parent

Dear Panicked: You need to take a deep breath. Now another. And take a step way back to gain some perspective.

In this age of helicopter micromanaging parenting, it is not unusual for parents to experience a surge in the gravitational pull of getting kids into college. I'm not pointing fingers. We are almost all helicopter parents these days in one form or another. However, many parents view getting their children into the very best college as a way to ensure they will be successful in life. And that goal has parents scrambling to plan from preschool. Parents think: "Piano sounds great, but will it be enough on a college application? Maybe we should also sign up for karate. When should the volunteering begin?" And off they go.

There is just one problem with this plan, and it's the kids themselves. Believe it or not, sometimes our little boys and girls actually (gasp!) want to have a say in how their lives go. Maybe college isn't the way to achieve their ideas of success. Furthermore, with college costing about as much as 10 beachfront houses, it isn't the craziest idea for some teens to consider other options. Your son might want to work at a ski mountain and write poetry. He may be interested in being an electrician. Or he may want to goof off for a few years until he figures out what he really wants to be.

Yes, it will be hard to watch other parents shuffle their children off to college in the fall while yours is living in the basement. But if you remove the pressure to do what you believe to be best he might just find out what he thinks is right. If he does stay home let him know it won't be a free ride. Charge him rent.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.