THE FAMILY COACH

BY DR. CATHERINE PEARLMAN

RELEASE: FRIDAY, APRIL 28, 2017

Late for Carpool and Concerns With Body Size

Dear Family Coach: Every morning, my son makes his carpool wait while he gets his stuff together or finishes his breakfast. And every morning, I have to run around the house gathering his books and supplies to get him out the door. Sometimes they can't wait for him, so I have to drive him to school and then I'm late for work. What can I do to make him stop being late — for everyone's sake? — On Time

Dear On Time: Your son is obviously disorganized and chronically running behind. But it's your actions and those of his friends that are ensuring he has no incentive to get his act together. You wrote that you spend every morning gathering his supplies and you often have to drive him to school, making you late. I am sensing that the consequences for your son's disorganization are falling heavily on you and not him. If he were to have to feel some hardships because of his actions, he might be more motivated to improve.

So, I ask you, what would happen if you were to not gather his belongings in the morning? I imagine your son might forget to turn in an assignment or get some papers signed on time. His grades might suffer because of it. And if his grades suffer, he might risk being kicked off of the basketball team. I bet those consequences will help motivate him more than you helping him rush around each morning. And what if you were to not drive him to school? Tell him he has to walk (and be late) or take a cab that he will pay for with his own money. Again, nothing will motivate your son more than feeling his own uncomfortable consequences.

In addition to allowing him his consequences, make sure he has an alarm clock and prepares his school bag the night before.

Dear Family Coach: I have two daughters, 12 and 14 years old. One is thin as a rail, and the other has always been chubby. How do I encourage healthy eating for both and not give either a complex? — Struggling Mom

Dear Mom: You are wise to carefully consider the effect you might have on your girls' self-esteem and body image. Managing weight, eating habits and self-esteem is tricky for every parent. Both of your children, regardless of their figure, are at a higher risk for eating disorders just because they are adolescent girls. The good news is that you can handle their different body types in the exact same way.

Start by de-emphasizing appearance, not just weight. There is too much discussion about superficial beauty and not enough on building beauty from within. Help your daughters focus on what's most important: their abilities, accomplishments and kindness to others. You can't just talk the talk here. You must be a role model in this effort. Make sure you don't discuss your weight or figure. Find authentic ways to project a healthy body image and self-esteem.

Parents commonly make the mistake of discussing food in terms of good or bad choices, or healthy or unhealthy. Instead, focus on serving size, moderation and having a healthy exercise routine for both children. Exercise can be formal, as in playing sports or going to the gym. But it can be also just taking the dog for a long walk or riding a bike around the neighborhood.

Your daughters can have happy productive lives no matter their weight or size. Teach them a broad definition of health and to value other qualities. That's the best way to help both girls without damaging their individual psyches.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.