Dear Family Coach: My son is a pushover. He never stands firm on his opinion, and he lets his friends walk all over him. I want him to grow up to be a man, one who is able to run a company or even just win an argument. How can I get him to toughen up? —Disciplined Dad

Dear Disciplined Dad: I think we might have different ideas about what makes a man. In your flawed estimation it sounds like a man is someone who doesn't consider other's sentiments. A man is the boss and is successful at business. In your world, women are probably second-class citizens who need protection from a strong man. Your view of men is outdated at best and supremely damaging at worst.

If your son comes to you and asks for advice to be able to stand up to his friends then, by all means, help him practice holding firm. But if you are the one driving this issue, back off. What terribly calamity would befall such a weak son if he isn't the tough man you imagine? The only tragedy that your son will have to suffer through is you. You are trying to make him into your version of what he should be instead of honoring who he is. You are going to teach him that there is something wrong with him for being different. This has deep and long lasting consequences.

Your love for your son is clear. But your effort to shape him is misguided. Instead of focusing on toughness, teach your son that a man is someone who loves his kids even when they aren't exactly the mirror image of the parent. Teach him that a man is a father who finds ways to connect to his children. And teach your son that you accept him and others no matter if they are big or small, strong or weak, gay or straight, white or brown. These are the lessons that will turn him into a man.

Dear Family Coach: My almost 5-year-old daughter is awfully loud. She has no volume control to speak of, and this can be difficult in public. People, especially the elderly crowd, are often asking us to tell her to be quiet, an impossible request. We can't just stay inside, so how should we handle this? —Loud Mouth's Mom

Dear Mom: Loud talking is often quite annoying to parents. But when the loud talker isn't your child it can be downright obnoxious. Senior citizens are particularly sensitive to the noise of children. The general public expects parents to rectify the situation. But what they don't usually understand is that sometimes children have a difficult time moderating their voice. They aren't being loud to distract others or for attention (well, sometimes they are). They are simply not equipped by a volume control knob.

Most loud children hear a constant barrage of shushing. Imagine if you were told to lower your voice over and over again every day of your life. The effect is not a quieter child. It is a diminished self-esteem and extremely frustrated parents. Just to make sure there isn't an undiagnosed issue I would have your daughter evaluated by an audiologist and a speech therapist. I also recommend games that teach difference between inside and outside voice. Play the quiet game. Make it fun by trying to trick your child into making a noise. You can also play telephone to practice whispering. This may help your daughter modulate the noise when it is most important — say, while waiting in line at the post office or visiting Granny at assisted living. But I would use the quiet voice very sparingly. Instead, the next time someone asks you to silence your daughter smile and say, "Isn't her energy infectious?" That will help them see the little girl behind the loud voice.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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