When we heard from Andrew several years ago, he was involved in a platonic eight-month friendship with a divorced woman who had an abusive childhood and ongoing financial problems. He diagnosed her as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
He said: "I read three books on the subject and they described her to a T. She viewed herself as a victim and was closed to any opinions other than her own. The books agreed that the chances of her ever changing were slim to none."
Andrew continued to be friends with her, but he says it was "quite a challenge. I finally found that the friendship was just too draining. Phone conversations sometimes lasted hours with 99 percent of the time devoted to her problematic life. If I didn't see her point of view, she could become verbally abusive."
He stopped talking to her, and then she was diagnosed with a serious illness.
He says: "I know we need to look out for ourselves and not become co-dependent but it saddens me. I'm troubled in that I don't want to believe that there are some souls not worth saving. (I know this statement has all the markings of a co-dependent personality.) But I'm not going to stop believing that we all can make a difference."
He asked for my thoughts, and I gave them to him: "I'm struck by your remark about 'souls worth saving.' Do you really think you can save anybody's soul? If that was your goal, you were bound to fail.
"You can't fix anyone either. You can't make them healthier, smarter, nicer, more reasonable, less aggressive or luckier. You can't change their basic personality. You can't make them want to change it, either.
"But some sort of a relationship within boundaries that are acceptable to you might still be possible. If you're clear about what you're willing to give her in terms of time and effort and stick to it, you might be able to remain in her life, at least a little, if that's OK with her. If it isn't, then there's nothing you can do."
Andrew is back to say: "Your response was spot on! It's all about boundaries and the warning signs are usually there! To quote Dr. Phil: 'We teach people how to treat us.'
"The warning signs were soooooooo clear in this case: self-absorption, verbal abuse, lack of interest in any kind of therapy, refusal to accept responsibility for any of the bad things that happened to her.
"Not long ago (and definitely not planned) I ran into her. It was a 30 second encounter that was actually an interesting experience. She was the same empty shell that she had always been, only now I recognized it.
"The reason it was interesting is that I had no idea if I had forgiven myself for allowing such a person into my life in the first place. I found out that I had! The reality is that when we accept anyone (platonic or intimate) to cross the boundaries of our own comfort zone, we need to examine our own self worth.
"One last quote from Dr. Phil: 'It's better to be healthy and alone, than with someone and sick!'"
Have you run into someone from your past? How was did it go? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to [email protected]. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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