We recently heard from How Did I Get Into This Mess? His girlfriend's ex-husband, Jack, is in the early stage of Alzheimer's disease. Jack has no family or friends and no relationship with his children. His divorce from HDIGITM's girlfriend was very bitter. He cheated on her, and the children have never forgiven him. They want nothing to do with him, and HDIGITM is afraid the burden of taking care of him will fall on his girlfriend.
"I resent that she has to bear this entire burden alone," he says. I told him that while his girlfriend has no obligation to help her ex-husband, no one ever says, "I was too nice," on their death bed. I suggested she call a family meeting and get her kids involved, if only to help her: "The bottom line: I don't think your girlfriend will ever regret helping out a fellow human being, and I doubt her kids will resent being a better child to their father than he was a father to them.
"And in the best of all worlds, they may even forgive him and have a relationship with him for the first time in their lives."
Now here's Bonnie with a different point of view.
BONNIE: I've been happily married to my second husband for 36 years. I, too, had a contentious divorce. My ex didn't support our kids financially or emotionally. He moved away and adopted his new wife's sons. We always felt he had replaced his kids with new ones. In fact, when our daughter once visited her father, he introduced her to some of his wife's family friends as a "friend of the family" because they didn't know about his previous marriage and kids. As you can imagine, it was very hurtful and damaging to my kids.
That being said, I agree with you that helping out a fellow human being, as you suggest, can be rewarding. But what about helping some folks who haven't treated you and your kids so badly? Sometimes bad or cold or deceitful behavior has a way of coming back to haunt people in their later years. You reap what you sow.
If my ex needed my help, I might put him in touch with some social services agencies and local volunteer groups. But I would feel absolutely no obligation to an ex who had treated me and/or my children poorly over many years. (Maybe I'm a grouchy old coot myself, but I don't really think so!)
Parents should take care of their children, regardless of divorce. When that doesn't happen, everyone suffers in some way. My husband and I have always showed and told my now adult kids that we loved them and felt lucky and privileged to have raised them, through thick and thin.
Our three kids now have seven kids between them, so we are blessed as parents and grandparents many times over. My husband even once corrected me when I said my kids were his "stepchildren." He always treated them as his own and meant it.
Sorry, no help is required by this lady or her kids. There are plenty of other ways to help humanity.
Do you agree with Bonnie or me? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to [email protected]. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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