You Can't Know the Players Without the Scorecard

By Cheryl Lavin

May 8, 2016 4 min read

My friends, we live in complicated times. I'll give you an example: Andy lived with Bella; but married Carly; who used to live with Dean; who married Bella's sister Ella; who used to go out with Ford; whose cousin Gigi was maid of honor at Andy and Carly's wedding. You get the picture. Here's another story from my readers.

ED: Dixie and I lived together for five years. After we broke up, Dixie became involved with Kyle on the rebound. They lived together for a short time and then married. I maintained a friendship with her, and soon became friendly with him.

Although I had reservations about some of their relationship issues, I stayed neutral and encouraging. When their issues turned into major problems, they called on me to referee and counsel.

After the second time, I told them they had put me in an awkward situation and I refused to take sides. They finally got divorced, but I maintained my friendships and my sanity.

Dixie's next man, Dom — based on what she shared with me — was not only a couple of years younger, but also more immature, insecure and needy than Kyle. I told her I felt she was rushing into it too fast, but she got married anyway. She wanted to invite me to the wedding, but Dom was too insecure to accept my attendance.

Fast forward. I married Yolanda. She has maintained a friendship with her ex-husband, Steve, and regularly corresponds with him. He's also remarried. Although I've never met him, I understand their relationship. Yolanda shares some of their conversations with me, and I have no problem with them at all.

One of Yolanda's high school classmates died on 9/11, and many classmates reconnected at her class reunion that year. She has since maintained regular communication with a number of them, including a few guys.

When Yolanda occasionally goes home, she sometimes gets together with them. Sometimes as a group; sometimes individually. I feel that me being supportive of her independent relationships has made our relationship stronger. — Trusting Husband, Not Stupid Man

YOLANDA: I'm the wife of Trusting Husband, Not Stupid Man, and I just wanted to add something from my side of the story. I've never met Ed's ex-girlfriend, Dixie, but I don't have a problem with him communicating with her. He was in contact with her when we met. Actually, I thought it was great that they could remain friendly after all those years. I don't think he's seen or spoken to her in years, but if he did, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that while Steve, my ex-husband, and I have kept in touch via email, that's as far as it's gone. The contact has given us the opportunity to hash out a lot garbage from our relationship. When I knew I would be returning home for a visit, I told him. He asked me to have lunch and I agreed. Ed had no problem with it, but Steve's wife went off the deep end. Apparently they got into a huge fight and lunch was cancelled. That was two years ago. We haven't seen each other or even spoken on the phone. But we still communicate through email on occasion.

Are you in touch with your exes?

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to [email protected] And check out my e-book, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."

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