Q: Prior to my husband and I having children, we both agreed I would be a stay-at-home mom. As a child that grew up with divorced parents and a mother who worked full-time, I know how much it hurt my mom that she couldn't be present for the daytime school events or to drive me to after-school activities because she was working 30 minutes away.
We now have four children ranging in age from 5-16. I am very grateful that I can be home during the day to be the volunteer classroom parent and to shuttle them to their activities. I do wonder, though, if my children are missing out on an important learning experience in having so much done for them that I, for example, did not have done for me when I was their age.
I remember many days walking to and from school in the snow and rain, not always having the latest clothes or toys, and taking care of myself after school because my mom was at work. Looking back, I know these experiences gave me strength and helped build my character. My children are kind and responsible, but I think they take too much for granted. Do you think I should do less for them to help them grow into more appreciative adults?
A: You present two interesting issues in your question. The first is the classic women's issue, "Can women have it all?" and the second, "Can loving parents raise children perfectly?"
Both topics were explored recently in my 15-year follow-up study of over 1000 successful women. The initial study was published in my New York Times bestseller, "See Jane Win. " The follow-up study of a small sample of these women was recently published in "Jane Wins Again." Most of the women believed they had managed successfully to "have it all," although some had the "all" in sequence (Sequencers) while some managed family and career simultaneously (Balancers). Another group (Perfectionists), while appearing from the outside to "have it all," professed they were glad they chose to have career and family together, but felt disappointed in both their careers and the guilt they felt for not spending enough time with their families. Despite their perfectionism, their children appeared to be successful and happy by at least outward standards. There were a small number who hadn't yet managed a career, weren't able to have children because they delayed too long (Compromisers) or were in an unhappy stage of their lives (Strugglers).
Your choice to stay at home with your four children could still allow you to "have it all" if you gradually ease into a career part-time and expand that time as your children mature and leave home. You can then determine if you'd rather be a "Sequencer" or "Compromiser" in the future. By doing this, your younger children will likely view your parenting differently than your older children, depending on your stage of career/parenting mix.
In regards to your second issue of whether your full-time parenting led to your belief that your children act somewhat "entitled" and take for granted their good fortune, that too can be addressed. It isn't possible to be a perfect parent. No matter how well you parent, the perspectives of parents and children on children's lives are not the same. Furthermore, your views on how you were parented surely varied at different stages of your life. Young adults having their first children always look back on how they were parented and believe their parents did some things right and other things wrong. They typically try to correct the mistakes they believe their parents made and sometimes overcorrect for what they believe they missed. For example, adults who think their parents weren't strict enough may become overly strict parents, and those who think their parents were too strict, sometimes become overindulgent.
You may be doing too much for your children and they may take that for granted and expect you to do more, but I can't truly judge that by your letter. Since you have four children, I doubt you've had time to overindulge them too much. Your oldest child may be at highest risk for overindulgence, because she had the most time to receive attention from you alone.
A counselor could help you sort out your direction at this time, but altering your lifestyle too much at once could be very hard on your family. Gradually expecting your children to take on more responsibility as you take more time to build your own adult identity would seem the best approach to teaching children gradual independence. The stories of other successful women can guide some of your choices and help you to not feel so alone with your decisions.
For free newsletters or articles entitled How to Parent So Children Will Learn, Raising Resilient Daughters, How Jane Won, and/or See Jane Win, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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