Q: My oversensitive children get extremely upset when they have to start their homework and get angry when they make a very small mistake. What should a parent say to calm them down?

A: Most of us would like to raise sensitive children who are caring and responsive emotionally. On the other hand, oversensitive children need to get beyond responding to small frustrations with tears or anger. Crying easily over simple mistakes we label as "crying for no good reason," because we don't want to eradicate legitimate tears, but we don't want them to assume that tears will somehow save them from effort. Calling inappropriate anger "inconsiderate and disrespectful" can teach children how to manage their anger.

Children behave oversensitively partly because they have a genetic disposition toward sensitivity but mostly because there is a role model for that behavior in the family or because that behavior garners major attention from at least one parent. Obviously, if there's a role model for perfectionism or anger problems, he or she needs to work on the behavior before or while expecting children to do that. It's not my intention to make either you or your partner feel guilty. It's much likelier that your children are overreacting because one or both of you are paying too much attention to the behavior.

You have probably already told your children that we learn from mistakes, that no one is perfect, that we all make mistakes and that therefore there's nothing to cry about. Because you've undoubtedly repeated that message multiple times, explain once more to your perfectionist children, at a calm time, that you don't plan to repeat the message but if you see them crying about mistakes, you'll simply walk away and let them handle their own problems. Share with them some tools for handling their tears, and have them write down the tools they like best and plan to use. Here are some examples of tools they might choose or invent on their own: 1) Erase or correct the error. 2) Take a five-minute break. 3) Sing a happy song. 4) Do a few jumping jacks. 5) Make a joke about the mistake. 6) Ask for help if they don't know how to correct the error.

They may think of other ideas and may or may not like some of your suggestions. They can make notes of the ones they might like to use so they can refer to them later. The next time you see the crying happening, quietly mention that they're crying for no good reason and walk out of the room. I promise that your children will easily learn to handle this approach and will possibly even be forever grateful to you. (No guarantee for that.)

The anger model is similar, but because it can also be disrespectful, it can be harder to learn to control. Again, you will want to talk to your children at a calm time. It can be at the same time as the discussion about tears, but for some children, handling one emotion at a time can be more effective. The difference is that angry children must remove themselves from people who are victims of their anger. They should learn to signal to adults that they are leaving not out of disrespect but out of a need to handle their anger. In general, we suggest that they take themselves to their own room. Again, it will help if they write down notes to remember what they should do, for example: 1) Go to my room. 2) Punch a pillow or punching bag. 3) Read a good book. 4) Read a funny book. 5) Run around the block. 6) Play the piano. 7) Jump on the trampoline. You can see that all of these tools might not fit every child. Again, children may invent their own effective tools.

The most important component of helping children cope with these issues is not to allow them to rein you into them. When they find they can cope with their own overreactions, they will soon learn not to overreact. Some children will solve these problems rather rapidly. With others, you will have to be patient or even take them to therapy.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.