Q: My son is 12 years old. I see a lot of correlation between his getting "stuck" in schoolwork and his not performing so well as he could in competitive sports. In both cases, he seems to overthink. How can we get him to face the challenges both individually and with sports in school and become more fluid?

A: Your son is very competitive, and most children are. In his case, he may have set his goals too high or too low or perhaps even both. He may believe that everyone, including himself, assumes he's very smart and that he has to get all A's. When schoolwork becomes difficult, he could fear that he won't appear very smart if he can't figure it out immediately. Instead, he will make up excuses, such as "I forgot" or "It's too boring," to attack his problem.

Your son's competitive sports issue may be the same or different. He could think he should be best or not play at all, or perhaps he has decided he's not good at sports and shouldn't get involved. When you see these problems in 5- or 6-year-olds, they're quite normal because they haven't yet learned to cope with losing in competition, but for a 12-year-old, they are more serious and can easily lead to underachievement.

Parents' typical intuitive reassurances that tell their child he is smart or can be really good at a sport will only backfire for him. The child will read those reassurances as their too-high expectations, and that will continue to cause him to avoid engagement with excuses. Counterintuitive responses are more effective and could give your son the courage to risk participation. Defining his schoolwork as extremely challenging will allow your son to have the courage to persevere. Explaining that attacking hard work by breaking it down into small parts or even asking for help will allow him to develop the confidence that comes only with overcoming difficulties. Tell your son that all smart kids learn that work becomes harder as they mature, and it requires much more effort, perseverance and real struggle. It will allow him to recognize that he doesn't only have to find things to be easy in order to feel smart.

Your counterintuitive response with your son in sports can be somewhat different. You could simply let him know that he's only average or even below average in the area of sports but that it's really healthy for him to run around, exercise and play. Not only that but it can be fun and good for socializing with friends. If he keeps working at it, he'll probably become a little better, but at least he can be the "helper" guy on the team and pass the ball to the heroes so they can score and, in that way, make the team a little better. He can also try some lifetime sports, such as track, tennis and golf. Even shooting baskets in the driveway with his siblings or friends can be good for his health and confidence.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.