Q: I have a daughter who is almost 6 years old, and her father lives several states away. When she was 2 years old, he signed away his rights to her because he had married another person and felt he would never have any contact with my daughter. When she turned 3, he asked if I would allow him to have a relationship with her. I thought this to be in my daughter's best interest because I believe children should grow up with both parents in their lives. However, I made it clear that if I permitted this, he had to be consistent. I didn't want him to come in and out of her life when it suited him because having an inconsistent father in my eyes would be more hurtful to my daughter than having no father at all.

Since agreeing to this arrangement, he has only come to see her twice and occasionally goes through spells of talking with her via Skype. He will do this consistently for a few weeks and then go months without any contact. My daughter has always had an above average intelligence level and is very strong willed. She recently told him that she expects him to be at her 6th birthday party, and he promised to be there.

Now, as that date is nearing, he has produced an excuse not to show up. I told him he must be the one to explain to her why he's not coming and he has to realize he is going to break her heart. She is very loyal and takes breaking promises very seriously. So far, he has not called to tell her, and I know his absence will break her heart. I have given him every chance to be a father to her, and I no longer know what to do or say to help him. Should I continue along this path of giving him chances or is it time to tell him to stay away forever?

A: I agree entirely with your position about long-distance fathers. When I work with them in determining the role they will play in their children's lives, I ask them to think about how dependable they believe they can be and I explain what dependability means in terms of regularity of visitation. Of course, there can always be exceptions. Even in a marriage where both parents are together, parents sometimes have to make unexpected changes in commitments.

Unfortunately, now that you have invited your daughter's father into her life, you can't just take that away because he is not dependable. The best you can do is "whitewash" the situation by explaining to your daughter that her dad is very busy, he lives far away, and that seeing him some of the time is all she can plan or hope for. Try not to paint him as a bad guy. Let her know that she should assume he won't be able to come to her party and she should concentrate on having a wonderful time without him. If he comes, it will be a nice surprise, but if he doesn't, she shouldn't let it ruin her party.

There are many young people growing up happy and successful in single-parent households, and that is a credit to parents like you who do double duty as both mom and dad.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.