Q: My husband and I have two teenagers and an 8-year-old son. We have given our children all the things that they've asked for. The children have become entitled and disrespectful, not only to my husband and me but to teachers and others in authority. I know we've created a monster, but how do we get respect back from our children and get them to respect others, as well? We are beyond frustrated!

A: You have a difficult problem. Children who have been given too much and haven't learned to wait and work for what they want aren't easy to live with in their teen years. They may actually have serious problems, but it is also possible that with maturity, they'll become very nice and hardworking adults. Much has to do with how you respond but also, unfortunately, their peer group, which you are not very likely to be able to control at this age.

You and your husband have to first examine whether you've been united and respectful of each other. If you haven't, your children may have been manipulating you against each other, and their over-empowerment, disrespect and entitlement may stem from that problem. You should be sure to develop some basic rules and boundaries that you can both agree with and hold your kids to. For example, during the teen years, driving cars and allowances can be contingent on appropriate behavior. It will be important not to overreact or over-punish, or your teens will dig in their heels and become even more oppositional and defiant.

Part-time jobs can help children appreciate what they spend, and parent-child partnerships in working on projects around the home can also help teens to learn to take responsibilities seriously. Family or church involvement in community service can help adolescents better appreciate what their parents have given them. School extracurricular activities are effective for keeping them busily engaged in productive activities. Be sure both of you say absolutely "no" to alcohol and other drugs and are very clear and firm about that boundary.

Though you can't suddenly put the brakes on all giving — and there is no reason you should — take time to think about what you give to your children so that they have the opportunity to learn to delay gratification and work toward receiving what they wish for. Slowing down responses and being very thoughtful about all decisions can assist you in many situations through this challenging time.

Rebellious adolescents are difficult to engage in therapy. They often attempt to manipulate their therapists against their parents and sometimes succeed. It might be more effective for you and your partner to work through a few sessions with a good psychologist who knows family dynamics and parenting so you can feel supported and confident in your own parenting during this difficult adolescent period.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.