Q: My 8-year-old son is on a baseball team, and most of the boys are good kids, but one child is a bad influence. This boy uses horrible language and is very disrespectful to his parents and the coach. The boy's family continually asks my son over for play dates. Facing another summer of seeing the family two or three times a week is a scary thought. I don't wish to be rude, but I also don't want my son playing with their child. I suppose using the "We're busy" excuse would work a few times, but I feel the need to be ready with a better response. Do you know of a polite way to tell parents that you feel their child is a bad influence and that you won't allow your child to play with their child?

A: Good parents do steer children away from friends who are disrespectful and use inappropriate language.

You should ask yourself if providing information to the parents can make a difference for the child, or whether the parents' value system is so different than yours that it won't help if you talk about your concerns. If you think the parents and child have potential for being good friends with some small changes in behavior, a nice note to the parents explaining your concern about the language, disrespect and issues, and a willingness for further talk, could make a healthy difference for the whole family.

I'm guessing by the tone of your letter that you don't believe improvement is possible, and you'd rather just have your son stay away. I suspect you really don't care to be friends with the parents but would simply rather not offend them more than necessary.

Notes are easier to communicate with than conversations, so either write a note that says you'd rather not have the boys play together outside of baseball, because of the differences you have in values for raising kids (the truth), or less honestly but less offensively, the note can say that you have a busy summer ahead, and there won't be time at all for your son to visit with their son.

You can honestly explain to your son the specific disrespect and language issues you consider offensive and off-limits for him. He may or may not tell the boy, so there's no reason to ask him to lose friends. If he does, you can make a different decision in the future. By being clear to your son that he must choose friends from respectful kids, he'll be internalizing a set of values about friendship that may be helpful to him as he matures.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.