Q: I wanted your advice on a dynamic which has developed with my daughter who is a freshman at an Ivy League school and is the second oldest of our four children. Her sister is a junior in college, and her brothers are in middle school. She is doing very well academically, as usual, with 3 A's and an A- in the first semester. However, everything she does is turned in at the last possible moment.

Our dynamic is that she likes to call and vent to me about every small setback or inconvenience in her life. These calls can last well over an hour, and she usually does not want my advice. If she does ask, and I make a suggestion, she invariably does the opposite. I try not to fall into this trap, but it's hard. If I try to disengage or suggest that she stop procrastinating and get to work, she cries, and we basically start over. Yesterday, a friend was visiting and she was overwhelmed with work, which is a frequent theme.

I want her to confide in me, and so far she is very open about all facets of her life, but this dependency seems unhealthy. I feel that my love for her is being tested according to how much time I will spend listening to her. I also feel lucky that this is the worst of my problems and wonder if I should just count my blessings and go with it. I would welcome any advice you can give.

A: You are correct on both counts. You should certainly recognize this as a minor problem and definitely count your blessings. Your daughter is a highly intelligent young woman who is working very hard. She is undoubtedly feeling a great deal of pressure and is acting a little too dependently for her age. Many college freshmen struggle with separation and feel temporarily inadequate, because there are so many other highly intelligent students.

Your daughter's behaviors are also a great compliment to you. Although she's struggling and I'm sure she realizes she's behaving inappropriately, she knows she can count on you to stand by her even when she's being irrational. Tell her you are very happy to hear from her and that you will only advise her if she asks for help. Definitely don't tell her to stop procrastinating. Instead, explain to her that more than half of college students go for counseling while they're at college, because it is really a big adjustment. Every university has counseling services available free of charge, and she could benefit by checking them out. Then remind her of how much you love her and tell her that she should feel free to call you anytime. It may feel both boring and worrisome to listen to her, but hang in there, because after a little while, she'll hopefully adjust, and you'll be wishing she would call more often.

Congratulations on your intuitively good parenting.

For free newsletters entitled "Fears and Fearful Children," and/or "Visiting Colleges," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.