Q. My daughter is 3 and a half years old, and has been going to an excellent kindergarten in China where she has many Chinese friends. Her father is Chinese and I'm Indonesian-Chinese. We have lots of arguments over language misunderstandings and are getting a divorce. Several months ago, my daughter started masturbating. How do I stop her? I've tried to tell her not to do so, because it will hurt her eventually. I'm very concerned that this will affect her physically and mentally later on. Is this is normal? Should I take action?

A. While some masturbation is common for girls your daughter's age, it's important to rule out problem causes, particularly if it becomes more frequent. Your family doctor can determine if your daughter's experiencing a rash or any other physical problems. Avoid frightening her so that she doesn't worry about doing herself harm, since there's rarely, if ever, physical harm done by masturbating. You can tell her that if she wants to touch her "privates," she must do that privately and not at school or home when other people are around. Her bedroom is allowable, but she'll be unlikely to want to stay there alone to masturbate.

It's possible that your arguments with your husband are causing your daughter stress, and masturbating may serve as a stress release. Try not to argue within her hearing. Also, assure her that if you and your husband decide to separate, she can continue to love you both, and you'll continue to love and care for her. Even very young children feel baffled by battles among parents. If masturbation becomes a major problem, it's appropriate to check first with your family doctor and secondly, with a psychologist.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, helping children after a divorce or principles of parenting send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094.

You Can Change Bad Language

Q. My son is 4 years old. His closest friend is a same-age neighbor. My son follows this boy around like a puppy and doesn't really play with other kids when he's around. This friend is a pretty good boy, but uses inappropriate language. My son will use this language when he's around the boy, knowing I disapprove. He won't listen to discipline about this when he's around this child. They're in the same preschool class, so I can't really keep them apart. Any suggestions?

A. You've indicated the boy is a good kid, so all you have to do is work on the language. Be specific to your son and his friend that some words aren't acceptable in your home. If you hear the boy use them, send him home and give your son a full-day suspension from his friend (except in school). If your son uses the words when the boy isn't there, give him a time out briefly each time and keep him away from his friend for another day or so. It will take you a little time to work on the problem, and you may never quite eradicate it, but it doesn't sound too terrible.

It's important for your son to have other playmates. From time-to-time, suggest, and even insist, he has a different friend visit for a playdate. Apparently his friend plays the leadership role, so having other playdates will give your son opportunities to lead. Variety in interrelationships is healthy for social learning.

For free newsletters about raising preschoolers or developing social skills, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.