Q. My 11-year-old grandson is well behaved, sensitive and successful — both academically and socially — even though he is a bit shy. He does, however, exhibit some behaviors that are concerning. He has absolutely no tolerance for certain sounds his younger brother makes, such as humming or singing, nor can he tolerate any repetitive movements by his brother — even silent ones. In addition, my grandson exhibits some extremely fearful reactions, particularly to violent video games. His reactions include almost paralysis, and having to be led through the video game without looking at it. He also demonstrates other concerning behaviors such as worrying about being picked up after school or from an activity and having to be absolutely sure of the details such as who will be picking him up, the exact time, and the location.

In retrospect, some of these patterns, such as not liking loud sounds and fear of certain images, were apparent from a very early age. We are concerned that one or more of these behaviors will trigger a crisis event and we are not sure whether or how to address it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A. As you so eloquently pointed out, your grandson has likely exhibited unusual sensitivity from infancy. Children are clearly born with different temperaments and some are more fearful and anxious than others. While basic temperaments may be genetic, parents and teachers, and even peer environments, can help to modify dysfunctional characteristics that are an impediment for enjoying a fulfilling life. So, for example, in a long term longitudinal study of inhibited or shy children, about 50 percent reversed their shyness by adulthood.

Anxious, oversensitive children who are fearful will remain fearful as long as they continue to avoid what it is that they fear. While it isn't necessary for your grandson to adjust to everything he fears, his parents can gradually help him to adjust to many situations that could steal quality of life from him. Furthermore, assuming that he can't make such adjustments will empower him to manipulate his world in selfish ways and prevent him from developing sensitivity to other people's needs. A good example of the latter is his nonsensically strong reaction to his brother's silent movements or to his humming. No doubt, sibling rivalry has empowered him to control his brother in oppressive ways, and while it is fair to request that his brother be reasonably quiet, it is totally unfair for an older brother to prevent a younger brother from singing or humming softly. If the older boy doesn't like the sound, he should remove himself to another room.

On the other hand, if your grandson would rather not play violent video games, I see no reason to force him into such an activity. Perhaps he needs to try games with comical or athletic themes and leave the violent games to others.

If your grandson's parents or you would like to help him overcome some of his anxiety, work with him in developing tools to help him take small steps toward facing his fears. Be sure to remind him of how brave he is becoming. As he gradually becomes more courageous, he will become stronger. While it is reasonable for him to remain sensitive, oversensitivity can become a disorder and interfere with his healthy childhood.

If parents find they can't help him to become stronger, a psychologist could work with him on reducing his fears and taking small risks.

For free newsletters or articles entitled "Helping Anxious Children Build Confidence," "Children With Fears and Fearful Children," and/or "Sibling Rivalry," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski