Here are some common flimsy excuses for postponing one's undependence:

—Men don't like independence in women.

—I couldn't afford to be on my own.

—I'm only happy when a man is in love with me.

—I don't feel feminine when I'm not on a man's arm.

—People have told me that I'm not a whole/real person until I'm someone's wife.

—I feel that if I made my single life interesting, I'd never get married.

—Other women would be jealous of me, and I'd have no friends.

—I'd only mess up my independence the way I have with other things in life, and I sure don't want a messed-up life.

—If I became busy and successful, no man would want to date me.

—I guess I'm just not cut out to be the independent career woman.

—I'm too shy. At least that's what everyone says. I'm not sure.

—Being busy would be too much effort for me. I'd develop wrinkles and look like a prune.

—Real men want a soft, feminine woman, not a hard-driving executive type in a suit. And I'm not sure I can pull it off.

I know how easy it is to slip into foggy thinking. I've been there. Even now I stumble, but at least I know what's going on. It's that old devil from the past, whispering flowery words into my ear, trying to push me back into the days before I was catapulted into young widowhood and pushed to make sense of the different life I found myself living. What was this thing called single parenthood? How could I be single when I had a (rather wonderful) son, Scott? That didn't make sense to me, so I (rather innocently) started reading all I could find that explained single parenting. And believe me, there wasn't much on the bookshelves in those early days.

A brilliant young physicist I met at a political meeting became a good friend and suggested I write about the issues I myself was discovering as a single woman and mother. His idea intrigued me, and gobs of time and work eventually led to this column, books, a radio program, etc. But the big payoff was — without my realizing it — finding a husband took its place on the back burner. No longer was it the driving force of my life. Talk about emancipation!

Yes, a bit of our gumption wilts with each of life's missteps, but have patience with yourself. Remember, none of us has total control of our life. Chance, timing, serendipity — all are beyond our planning, and all play a part in the final outcome. But I'm convinced that chance favors the prepared mind; for good luck to play a significant role in one's life, there must be an overall design. It's no coincidence that a life jumbled by indecision and fear is rarely visited by good luck.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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