DEAR SUSAN: After all I've been through making a name and a life, I am honestly scared, truly spooked by the thought of merging my life with my lover-man. Women like me want love but are scared to death of losing what we fought for. Loving my man could take the sacrifice of my independence.

DEAR BLOGGER: Nonsense. That sort of overreaction merely shows women to be newcomers in the world of power. Frankly, I never thought I'd be saying this, but the movement that brought us ownership of our lives neglected to supply an owner's manual. And because I see signs of dangerous misuse of our selfhood, some guidelines are definitely in order. Please, hear me out. The point of women's liberation is masterful use of our newly discovered freedom. Subtlety and diplomacy are some of the tools that can get us what we want for ourselves. The trouble is, we've been squandering our hard-earned assertiveness without realizing that judicious use only increases its potency. You see, what we've been calling the hallmarks of independence are, at times, pent-up aggression and resentment. But the woman who sees and asserts her independence clearly is capable of authentic friendship with her male counterpart because she knows she's coming from a position of equal strength. She doesn't hide from romantic love, because she knows that without her consent, no one can take away what she has built into herself. And so, the answer to the big question is a resounding yes. An independent woman can indeed have it all — love, romance, emotional interdependence. The precondition, however, is achieving true independence. Handled with grace and dignity, it serves love exquisitely well.

DEAR SUSAN: I love the big lug. He's not exactly rich or handsome, but he values me in so many wonderful ways. Main thing? He gives me respect. To him, I am Wonder Woman. Still, the relationship is quite new, and I'm not at all sure he sees me as a whole person, because he himself has a busy and important life. What can I do to let him know my needs are important, too? I so want to have this be an equal relationship; I've never had one.

DEAR BLOGGER: Now that you're involved with a good man who values you as a person, it is really important that you make a point of establishing reciprocity in the relationship. Otherwise, you could be swamped by his needs. (It's happened!) Asking for it can be done in small ways where you send signals that your needs are as important to you as his are to him. If you slide by the moment to talk about this, you could regret it big time. Remember, reciprocity is the passkey that opens up the depth of intimacy where two people keep their individuality while at the same time joined emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and, ultimately, physically. Start the conversation — or play show and tell.

We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].

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