DEAR SUSAN: This is my response to your recent column about single women dating married men. You tell us that when the man's wife learns of the affair and gives her consent, single women seem to lose all interest in continuing it. Well, Susan, I disagree mightily.

In the past, I happened to be the other woman, and I desperately wanted him to get a divorce and marry me. But if his wife had found out about us and didn't care, my reaction would have been disappointment and frustration because there would have been no divorce and I wouldn't have gotten my man. As long as there's tension in the marriage, divorce is possible. That's just my two cents. — Ellie

DEAR ELLIE: As a former other woman, your input is worth a lot more than two cents. The voice of experience always speaks loudest. But some interference must have diluted the overriding point here, which was that single women lose interest when the married man's wife is OK with the threesome. Why is that? Well, more than the sexual thrill or the forbidden aspect of the affair, a bachelorette in this type of situation craves the competition between wife and lover, and when that factor is taken out of the affair, her interest wanes. The thrill is gone. Well, almost.

Think about it. Along comes a nubile snow maiden, ripe and eager for excitement. So, too, is the married man, a bit bored by the sameness of his love life and partially primed for new things. As I was poring over the responses to the query on this topic (part of my nationwide survey on single sexuality), I was discovering that the root cause of female excitement with another woman's man is partially that of forbidden fruit, but deeper still — and far more thrilling — is the competition with dear old Mom for her man. For Daddy. There is a deep psychological rivalry between mother and daughter for Daddy. Take a moment to let that sink in, Ellie. That primal thrill seems to be the driving force behind an affair with a married man.

But your motives, Ellie, may well be on another plane. My findings represented the unmarried community in its entirety, so your individual reasons for loving a married man are yours alone. I would not tamper with them. But I do appreciate your sharing them.

SEXUAL BILL OF RIGHTS (excerpts): Realizing that sex is an integral dimension of human health and well-being, I will incorporate sexual fulfillment into my singleness in ways that mesh with my personal morality.

I will shape a code of personal conduct from my sexual needs and ethics for the purpose of attaining peace of mind, sexual fulfillment and general ease.

I will not allow myself to be coerced where sexual behavior is concerned, nor will I influence others in that aspect of their lives, because sexuality is deeply personal.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks - in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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