Zen teaching includes a lesson about the sound of one hand clapping. For Buddhists, that leads to deep and provocative wisdom, instructive as a life lesson but not exactly where we're going here. In the less lofty world, where give-and-take is the name of the game, both partners must be active in shaping their love partnership. If you feel like a one-man band (or worse, silent partner) in any phase of your romantic relationship, it's best to speak up — loudly. One half of the twosome cannot and should not be the whole enchilada!

Reciprocity is the mantra of true love because it encompasses so much: respect, patience, cooperation, trust and kindness ... not particularly sexy but absolute bedrock to a love that endures. For that depth of mutuality, walls must come down. Lovers must trust one another implicitly, be ready and willing to leave a warm bed in the middle of the night to buy medicine for a partner's bellyache (not exactly a romantic setting but one far more necessary to long-term togetherness). Intimate bistros are good incubators of romance, but the real testing comes from unplanned moments of need, when character trumps glamour. Every time.

Being paired with someone who knows the best and the worst of you is an experience like none other. As I'm writing this, memory brings me back to my anxious night on the eve of selling our country house. I was sleep-deprived and chilly from anxiety. Unnamed fears kept me tossing in our bed for hours until my husband asked me to put on my robe and sit with him. There we sat at the foot of the bed, on rumpled sheets and blankets, bleary-eyed and wordless, facing each other. My mate held both my hands in his, radiating steadiness. My irrational insecurity was staging a scene, having a star turn, but it had met its match. As dawn broke the spell, both of us readied for the eventful hours ahead, stronger and steadier partners for the wordless togetherness transfused.

Liking the beloved is the strongest foundation of love. It evolves into a comfortable partnership, a sharing of self only the confident can afford. To reach that pinnacle, lovers must be familiar with their own doubts and fears and allow the beloved access to that vulnerability. It's not for the faint of heart. Love that isn't two hands clapping is illusion, promising days and nights of lingering pain. Such a lover is a perennial outsider, his or her presence at best tolerated. The chilling aloneness of one hand clapping is a sound no one deserves.

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