Note to Roger Simon readers: The following column was first published in February 1997.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — I am sure you remember my friend Jack, the man who knows a little about everything, though not a lot about any one thing.

This means that Jack is not an expert but a human encyclopedia and an invaluable resource if you are on deadline, say, and can't remember the size of Finland (130,119 square miles) or where Herbert Hoover was born (West Branch, Iowa).

The only problem with Jack is that he likes to give answers to questions you never ask.

I called him the other day, for instance, to find out how old Robert Redford is, and Jack replied: "Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon played the roles of Walter Burns and Hildy Johnson in the 1974 version of the 'Front Page,' but who played the roles in the original 1930 film by Ben Hecht and Charles MacArthur?"

Uh, Robert Redford? I said.

"No, you dummy!" he yelled. "It was Adolphe Menjou and Pat O'Brien. It was also remade in 1940 with Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. Mae Clarke plays the prostitute in that version but is more famous for taking a grapefruit in the face from James Cagney in the 1931 classic 'Public Enemy.'"

What does this have to do with Robert Redford? I asked.

"Hey," Jack said, "two Americans have been on the presidential ticket five times each. Both were victorious in four elections and lost one. Who were they?"

Harold Stassen and, uh, don't tell me, I said. Ross Perot!

"You are too dumb to breathe!" Jack screamed. "Franklin Roosevelt was elected president in 1932, 1936, 1940 and 1944 and was James Cox's running mate in 1920, when Republican Warren G. Harding was elected. Richard Nixon ran unsuccessfully for president in 1960, was victorious in 1968 and 1972 and was Dwight Eisenhower's running mate in 1952 and 1956. George Bush came close but was on the national ticket only four times."

Jack, I said, this is all very fascinating, but I am on deadline and I need to know ...

"You need to know in which film Greta Garbo first speaks and first laughs!" Jack said.

I do?

"'Anna Christie' was Garbo's first talkie," Jacks said, "and her first line is: 'Gimme a whiskey. Ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby.' In 'Ninotchka,' she laughs when Paris playboy Melvyn Douglas falls off his chair in a bistro."

Why does he fall off a chair in a bistro? I asked.

"That's the spirit!" Jack said. "How about this one: Who is the only speaker of the House to be elected president of the United States?"

Newt Gingrich? I said. Or is he the first speaker of the House to be voted Most Likely to Commit a Felony?

"Your humor escapes me," Jack said. "It was James K. Polk, though he was not the speaker when elected."

What a shame, I said.

"I don't suppose you would care to know the women in King Kong's paw?" Jack said.

Not unless they are planning to drop by tonight because I don't have a thing in the house, I said.

"Fay Wray played Ann Darrow in the 1933 version and Jessica Lange in the 1976 version," Jack said. "In the remake, at the end of the film Jessica Lange simply looks bewildered but in the original, Robert Armstrong concludes with the line, 'It was beauty killed the beast.'"

Fascinating, I yawned. Truly fascinating.

"Wait, wait," Jack said. "This is a good one: What two U.S. presidents made speeches about their dogs that became part of history?"

It's a trick question, I said. No U.S. president has ever been responsible enough to keep a dog.

"Wrong!" Jack crowed. "Franklin Roosevelt loved his little Fala, and when Republicans accused him of sending a Naval destroyer to pick Fala up when it had been left behind after a visit to the Aleutians, Roosevelt said, 'These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me or my wife or on my sons, no, not content with that. They now include my little dog, Fala. Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, and my family doesn't resent attacks, but Fala does resent them.' "

They say if your brain gets overloaded, it can actually explode, I said. I think I read that in Parade magazine.

"And Richard Nixon used his family dog, Checkers, to save his career in 1952," Jack went on. "News reports charged that he kept a gift fund for political purposes, and in a famous televised speech, he defended the fund and insisted there was one gift he was not returning: Checkers."

Gotta run, Jack, I said.

"One last one, one last one," he said. "Which of the following actresses never played in an Alfred Hitchcock film? Tippi Hedren, Kim Novak, Ingrid Bergman, Joan Fontaine or Marilyn Monroe."

Let's see, I said. Marilyn Monroe played Anthony Perkins' mother in "Psycho" and ...

"Wrong!" Jack said. "Anthony Perkins played Anthony Perkins' mother in 'Psycho.' Marilyn Monroe never played in an Alfred Hitchcock movie! Tippi Hedren played in 'The Birds' and 'Marnie.' Kim Novak played in 'Vertigo.' Ingrid Bergman played in 'Notorious.' Joan Fontaine played in 'Rebecca' and 'Suspicion.' Tippi Hedren, by the way, is the mother of Melanie Griffith."

I think I knew that, I said.

"I doubt it," Jack said, and he hung up.

Which is the way it is with human encyclopedias: They know a lot, but they are very, very touchy.

Oh, by the way, Robert Redford will be 73 on Aug. 18 of this year. Just in case you want to send a card.

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