College Student Can't Find Girlfriend

Dear John: I'm a male college student. I have many friends, both male and female. Most people like me, and I have several best friends. Also, I am well-rounded: I'm great with computers, like to watch sports and read. But the bottom line is: I can't seem to find a girlfriend. All the girls I meet enjoy my company, but they never want to get involved in a relationship. I realize that I have a disadvantage in my appearance: I am overweight by about 35 pounds, and my hair is thin, so I appear older than other guys my age. Other guys have a better "look," you know, one that girls like: a thick head of hair, and they are in great physical shape. So, what is wrong with how I am approaching these girls? Should I pursue older women? — Striking Out, in Madison, Wis.

Dear Striking Out: Even if you look like Jason Segel, most guys don't live in Judd Apatow movies, where the homely doofus gets the girl. When you are in your 20s, one of the most attractive features in a man is his confidence. Since many women are also attracted to older men, the real issue is not whether or not you should be dating older women, but whether you can project a level of confidence that women find attractive. As they say in baseball, you need to increase your times up to bat so that you can score more home runs. In laymen's terms, ask more women out. Yes, your rejections will go up, but so will your number of dates, and your dating confidence.

To increase your success ratio, instead of asking a woman out for a specific event, ask for a date in general terms. For example, just say, "Let's get together some time. May I call you?" When you call, ask social questions, and listen to her answers. In that manner, you'll be forming a connection.

Eventually, you'll get the hint that you can be bolder. You can then ask, "Are you free for coffee after class?" or "How about joining me and some of my friends for pizza on Friday night?" Start slow, and build from there. Women of all ages are looking for a man who is kind, pleasant and considerate. Give them the time to realize all the wonderful things you are.

Dear John: About a year ago, I had an emergency hysterectomy. Needless to say, now I am not able to have children.

It was a very painful experience, both physically and emotionally. Since my engagement this past summer, I have been bombarded with the most inappropriate unsolicited comments from other women on this subject.

My fiance, family, physician and clergy have been very supportive, though it is still painful to be subjected to this type of interaction with people, not to mention trying to be gracious, yet direct, in setting boundaries with them. (Even when I overtly state my boundaries, people still continue to persist. At times, I've removed myself by walking away, but I am followed!)

I need to continue healing, yet I am finding it very difficult with these persistent reminders and judgments. The ironic part is that these people think they are trying to be helpful, even when I tell them they aren't. Short of avoiding all women for a period of time, can you suggest a response that is more effective? — Need Time to Heal, in Carmel Valley, Calif.

Dear Need Time to Heal: You're right: you deserve as much time as you need to heal your loss. Your answer should be something like this: "As you can imagine, I am doing all I can to heal my pain over this issue. Thank you for your concern, but I truly do not want talk about this now. Please respect my wishes in this regard." If they persist, repeat: "Again, this is an issue I truly do not wish to discuss now. Please respect this wish." If they continue after that, you have every right to walk away.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by email at: www.marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.