The new cognitive test for sitting presidents is not "Can you put the square peg in the square hole?" but "Can you put your tongue in a seventh grader's mouth?"

If newly released emails from famous dead child molester Jeffrey Epstein can be believed, President Donald Trump spent several hours alone with a girl who was abused by Epstein's circle of pervert friends.

Meanwhile, to the Republican Party, the real danger is two gay 18-year-olds making out under the bleachers. Well, those two guys and drag queens. By the way, if you really want to understand the conservative position on gay sex, you have to understand that it's only wrong between two males, or two females who aren't pretty. Conservatives support gay sex between two women, if they're young, and feminine-looking, and hot, and they're in a porn video.

Of course, Trump supporters are tender as good veal, so any attempt to link Trump with any crime he's committed is persecution. He gets convicted of 34 felonies — it's because they're picking on him.

And anyway, this is all circumstantial evidence. Unless you have actually been in the room when Trump was violating a girl in a Disney Princess nightshirt, and unless you have pictures, and unless those pictures have Charlie Kirk's authenticated signature at the bottom, you're probably lying.

Because communism. Because drag queens. Because George Soros. Because Hillary Clinton. Because Joe Biden. Because no Ten Commandments in the classroom. Because boys playing girls' basketball.

All good reasons.

For the dimwitted among us, imagine this kind of scenario:

You tell your wife that you're going to Aruba with a girl who plays junior high soccer with your daughter. The kid's name is probably Kayleigh.

My advice is to tell your wife by leaving her a note right before you leave. Like, minutes before you leave, when she's not home.

When you get back, you're going to have to say something to your wife.

"Look," you tell your wife, "It was just a couple of days. We spent hours alone together, but I don't know why you're so upset."

First of all, your wife is not going to blame communism. If you were married to a drag queen, the drag queen wouldn't blame communism.

If I did that, I'd turn myself in to the police before I went home to my wife.

"No, please," I'd tell the judge. "No bail. I don't want to get out. I'm safer in jail."

I knew a guy who got caught cheating on his wife because he'd used their credit card to pay for the hotel room where he spent several hours with his girlfriend.

His wife paid the monthly bills, and when she saw the hotel charge, she asked him if he'd been there.

He said he had, with a woman he knew, a woman they both knew.

"I just rented the room for talking," he told his wife.

His wife left him. She didn't come back, either.

If only he'd told his wife that George Soros paid for the room.

For a conservative, saying the name "George Soros" is like dropping acid; all of a sudden everything is the wrong color, your cat can talk and the sidewalk in front of your house is stretching like pizza dough.

Remember the old days — you know, like six years ago, when your conservative co-workers told you that Trump was fighting a ring of powerful international pedophiles?

You don't hear too much of that anymore, do ya?

It's OK. There are plenty more excuses.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called, "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle and iBooks.

Photo credit: Natilyn Hicks Photography at Unsplash