Cats After the Revolution

By Marc Dion

October 23, 2020 5 min read

Despite the divided nature of our nation, there is great unity in the cat food section of the grocery store.

There are dozens of brands and labels available, and the lettering on the tiny little cans is hard to read, and, invariably, Mittens will only eat the one kind, so we help each other.

"Do you see any giblet stew?" a woman asks me as I search for the brand I want. "It's all my cat will eat."

"I don't see it, ma'am, no," I answer. "Do you see any of the tender liver and chicken feast?"

"My cat used to eat the tender liver one," a fellow says. His T-shirt says, "Harley Davidson," but he's looking for the shrimp and mackerel feast because his cat now refuses to eat the tender liver flavor and will accept only the shrimp and mackerel variety. When the guy bends over to take the cans he wants off the bottom shelf, the chain on his trucker wallet jingles merrily, like Christmas bells.

There is no division in the cat food section of the grocery store. We are all bent to a common task.

My cat Jack is the one who will only eat the tender liver and chicken. My wife Deborah tried two grocery stores. I tried a grocery store and one of those big corporate pet supply stores.

No dice. No liver, either.

This Wednesday, I hit a grocery store not far from my job. Nine cans. There were two cans remaining at home, which is 11 cans total; Jack eats one can a day, so we'd be safe for a while.

I texted my wife from the car.

"Nine cans of Jack food in possession," I wrote.

"Good," she texted back.

Everyone tells me there's a revolution coming. Some of my left-wing friends tell me it's going to be a socialist revolution. My right-wing friends tell me that if there is a socialist revolution, we'll all be so hungry we'll have to eat our cats. My right-wing friends are generally fans of that old-time religion, so if the next revolution is driven by evangelical semi-Christianity, maybe owning a couple of cats will get my wife and I burned as sorcerers. During hearings, senators were afraid to ask Amy Coney Barrett if she thought it was a good idea to burn witches. The Republican senators were less frightened, of course. There are plenty of good, hardworking folks in their districts who'd go to a witch burning like it was a high school football game.

As a side note, when uttered by a politician, the phrase "good, hardworking folks" means "people I wouldn't sit next to on a bus." Of course, the politician speaking will never get on a bus because he or she doesn't work at the Amazon warehouse while the other spouse stays home and cares for their third child who was born with a hole in his heart.

In the cat food aisle, we are a peaceful people. We're a little more likely to wear the COVID-19 mask than a lot of folks, because if we get thrown out of the store for not wearing a mask, our cat Sparkletoes is going to end up eating inferior dry cat food.

If the revolution comes, don't expect us to eat Dr. Fuzzybottom, either. He's old, and he's not too clean anymore, but no one is putting steak sauce on him while we're around.

Also, do not believe your fascist dictatorship can pronounce our cats to be "useless eaters" and order cat food companies to stop producing so many varieties.

If this great nation stops producing the shrimp and mackerel stew, and the tender liver and chicken, and a lot of other flavors, you'll see an uprising that'll make the Proud Boys look like a couple of teenage girls squabbling over the last sequin-covered iPhone case at the Walmart. Of course, the Proud Boys look like that now, but it'll be worse.

It's starting, too. Here and there, I've seen red, white and blue yard signs reading "Cats 2020: Better than Humans."

The signs are a joke, of course.

Sure, they are. You keeping thinking that.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a good, family kind of book, is a collection of his best columns titled, "Devil's Elbow: Dancing in The Ashes of America." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, GooglePlay and iBooks.

Photo credit: meineresterampe at Pixabay

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