The Corporate Rapture Is Here

By Marc Dion

July 14, 2014 4 min read

Oh, Hallelujah! Oh, Hallelujah! The day is here! The great, gettin' up go-to-work mornin' is here! Corporations (whew, finally!) have recognized the need to put Christian principles into practice.

Oh, sure, it looks bad here at the beginning, what with stores selling cheap Chinese crap refusing to let their insurance providers cover birth control. But that's gonna be a small premium to pay when you think of the earthly paradise we'll be living in as corporations put their Christian principles to work.

Glory! Glory! Glory! Corporations are on fire for the Lord!

Pretty soon, corporations, heeding the admonition saying, "The shalt not kill," will be pulling out of death penalty states, abandoning sate where lax gun laws allow people to "straw purchase" guns that will be used to kill teenagers in other states.

And there won't be much cheap Chinese crap sold, either. What God-fearing, Jesus-loving corporate CEO could profit off people herded into dormitories and worked like slaves?

No more lobbyists. Isn't bribery like stealing? Didn't Jesus drive the money changers out of the temple.

Money changers? Out of the temple? Looks like bank regulation is a comin'. Not that banks will object. In fact, they'll demand to be regulated, to have their feet set on the narrow way.

No more paying you as little as they can get away with instead of as much as they can afford. No more giving you a couple hours too few to get the health insurance.

Cheating on their taxes? That'll be a thing of the past real soon, as Jesus makes his way up the corporate ladder, swapping that robe for a blue suit and some of those real shiny wing tips.

And the stockholders will bow down, even the big brokerage houses and they shall say, "Do not lay off that $11 an hour receptionist in Tulsa, neither shalt thou cut the hours of the janitor in suburban Minneapolis. He speaketh not English too good but still he is a child of God."

And isn't that just it? The employee handbook sayeth you are an "associate" or a "team member," though it will sometimes take a deep breath and call you an "employee." Sometimes, you're a "team leader," which means another buck an hour.

But to Jesus, you are a child of God, and if you are having some problems making the rent, you are one of those "poor" of whom he spoke so often and so movingly.

It took a long time for corporate America to realize that Jesus is the reason for every business season, but it happened. In boardrooms all across America, CEOs contemplate the pain of the crucified Christ and ask themselves how to bring his principles into their businesses.

And the thing is, you knew this was coming. You knew that once corporations started talking about their religious beliefs they'd soon enough be led to the foot of the cross.

I expect most corporations will announce their strict adherence to Christian principles within two weeks.

They gotta run it past human resources first.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's book, "Between Wealth and Welfare: A Liberal Curmudgeon in America," is available for Nook and Kindle.

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