Me and the Holy Book(s)

By Marc Dion

June 5, 2020 4 min read

As punchline Pres. Donald J. Trump continues his honkin' big tour of many Jesuses, waving the Bible at an Episcopal church, visiting a shrine run by idol-worshiping Catholics, and no doubt on his way to wave a Quran at a mosque, I begin to see the light.

That's why I bought a copy of the Chiltons repair manual for the 2016 Buick Enclave. I figured if I waved it in front of my local car repair place, I'd become a mechanic. It worked, too. I know it worked because the immigrant Syrian owner chased me away with a wrench. He's probably afraid of the competition.

Next, I stood in front of a Jewish temple, waving a copy of the Torah. I am now a Jewish doctor, oy vey, and can remove any organ you'd like. Gotta gall bladder? Hell, those are easy! Pass me that wrench.

Ah, America, land of opportunity, where you can be anything you say you are.

One wave of the Holy Bible and Trump is as Christian as two popes and a woman whose first name is "Maria."

My job, reporter and columnist, was one of the first professions to be swamped by "you is if you say you is." Along came the internet, and any semi-literate bag of potatoes could design a webpage or Facebook page and call it "The Real Truth Tribune" and quick as you can say, "You got no sources for this story," that guy was a genuine reporter. Never in history have there been so few newspapers and so many reporters. It's a huge victory for the truth, the real truth, the QAnon truth.

My personal journey of self-improvement continued as I stood in front of the battered women's shelter, waving a copy of "The Female Mystique." I'm a battered woman now. Damn! That was easy!

Punchline Pres. Donald Trump is the best example of being anything you want just by saying you are that thing.

A skulking preppy coward during the war in Vietnam, he is now a military hero because he says he is and, once again, he's asking working-class soldiers to do his fighting for him. His ventures go bankrupt faster than a compulsive gambler in Las Vegas, but he's a business genius because he says he is a business genius.

He's healthy because he says he's healthy; he's smart because he says he's smart; he respects the flag because he says respects the flag; he has a big vocabulary because he stammers that he has "the best words."

In short, Trump isn't a cowboy, but he did buy the hat.

There are a lot of people in this country trying to live according to the words of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They aren't showy about it, either. They try to live right, and they pray, and they do boring stuff like try to help their kids with their homework. They are not perfect Christians, and they know they are not perfect Christians because they know such a person does not and cannot exist.

If they are late for Sunday service, and the car in front of them is driving very slowly, it does not occur to them to fire rubber bullets at the slow driver. They are not perfect Christians, but they have absorbed enough Bible to know they must treat other people well, which is the great golden gift of scripture.

And they do not wave the Bible as they walk into church. They walk in knowing that they are not perfect and that they need further instructions.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's latest book, "Devil's Elbow: Dancing in The Ashes of America," is a fun-filled romp through the end of the Golden Rule. It is available in paperback from, and for Nook, Kindle, GooglePlay and iBooks.


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