Putin for President, by Marc Dion

It may just be their desire to roll Barack Obama in the dirt, but lately I've heard a few assault-weapon Republicans expressing a great love for Russian president/tyrant Vladimir Putin.

"He DOES something," they say of Putin. "He goes into Ukraine while our president does NOTHING. Obama just talks." Well, of course. Tyrants are usually energetic. They invade. They crush. They declare. They decree and butcher and banish.

Look at the Great Depression. American President Franklin Roosevelt, an upper-class elitist, whines about hungry people and expands "entitlement" programs to keep a buncha toothless hillbillies from starving to death. At the same time, ball o' fire Adolf Hitler, a tyrant's tyrant, has his enemies hung up on meat hooks, turns his drooling storm troopers loose on the Jews and sucker punches Poland.

You don't get that kind of browbeating from pussyfootin' old democracy. Why, before you can do anything in a democracy, you gotta ask the House, the Senate, the voters, white people, non-white people, Jews, Muslims, even gays. In a democracy, you can't even hang a murderer without getting the opinion of 12 NASCAR fans on a jury.

Why, if Putin was president of the United States, he'd know what to do with illegal immigrants, and it wouldn't be stuffin' their wallets with EBT cards, either. And we know what he does with gays. Go to Moscow and stand on a street corner. You'll see a unicorn before you see a gay pride day parade.

And, speaking of unicorns, Putin hunts. Hell, he'd kill a unicorn if he saw one, probably with a hand grenade.

And Putin is white. In fact, you can damn near see through the man if there's a strong light behind him. There's a guy that wasn't born in Kenya and raised a secret Muslim. The only secret thing Putin ever did was become a KGB spy, and the KGB was tough. There weren't any community organizers in the KGB, but there were a lot of guys who knew how to strangle people with piano wire.

In America, we love guys who can kill you in ingenious ways. That's we love "Die Hard" movies and spy movies. We like a guy who says he's "had enough" after maybe 30 minutes of not getting his way and then goes on to kill 37 people with a homemade flamethrower.

The Russian economy is picking up, too. Putin is a job creator and, as we know, job creators are the sacred white buffaloes of the capitalist world, never to be killed or touched or required to pay their fair share of taxes.

The attraction of tyranny is its sense of purpose and its swiftness of action. Brutality gets things done. Questions slow things down. Consensus is for sissies. Negotiation is a sign of weakness. Kill your enemies. Kill people who are not sufficiently enthusiastic. At the rally, during the required standing ovation for the "leader," kill the first guy who stops clapping. He's a traitor.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Marc Munroe Dion's books, "Between Wealth and Welfare" and "Mill River Smoke" are available for Nook and Kindle and are now on amazon.com .