The American economy has never been stronger. We have the biggest, best economy we've ever had in history.
I'm not pulling that statement out of my Trump, either. I've been a functional member of the American economy since I was 14 years old, when I got a job as a dishwasher. I know when things are good. I'm just sad that I'm a white man. If I were black, the economy would be even better for me.
Example: Every night, Chicago's poor black neighborhoods ring with the sounds of celebration. The black people, so poor for so long, are constantly setting off fireworks out of sheer happiness.
Even the much-despised illegal immigrant knows in his heart that things are about to get much, much better for him. Once the wall is built on the border, there will be NO MORE illegal immigrants. The illegal immigrants already here will be able to demand astronomical wages for their work as motel maids, janitors, chicken processing plant employees and pickers of salad.
"Oh, yes, Senor Trump," Consuela the maid will say. "I am available to make beds at your soon-to-be-bankrupt luxury hotel, but there are not so many of us illegals around these days. I will have to be paid at least $60,000 a year."
She'll get it, too. The new American economy is leaving no one behind.
The economy will even boom its way into the hearts of those stupid young people who blew off vocational school for a degree in art history, the silly punks.
Sure, the only job they'll be able to find pays $28,000 a year, and they'll have to live at home, but with Mom and Dad's stock market portfolio tanking, the kids will be greeted with open arms. Mom and Dad can't pay the electric bill without the kid's help. Welcome home, Son! Got any money on you?
The Trumpian boom hasn't even left me out of the general prosperity. Last year, the stock market dropped like the needle on an SUV's gas gauge. You know how much money I lost? Thousands! Imagine, a guy like me, the grandson of illiterate immigrants, having thousands of dollars to lose. I'm semi-retired, and I've started buying cheaper cigars, but I'm still smoking cigars, and I've just lost the kind of money my father never even dreamed of losing.
But the most rock-solid indicator that the economy is tremendous, and I mean really great, is the number of jobs there are in this country.
There are so many jobs that a lot of people have two, or even three jobs.
That's great. It's really tremendous.
Why, when I was a kid, a man would have one job down at the auto plant, and that would be it for him. One man, one job, one paycheck.
Nowadays, anyone who is willing to work can get a 20-hour-a-week job at a car wash, a 14-hour-a-week job in a warehouse, and a 30-hour-a-week job as a night janitor in an office building. That's three jobs! That's 64 hours a week! That's three paychecks! You know you're living in a really great, tremendous economy when everyone has THREE paychecks.
So stop saying "nay," you elitist naysayers. Things are great, really wonderful, the best they've ever been. If you're still worried, you better go get a fourth job, because you've obviously got too much time on your hands.
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, which he wrote to make extra money for food, is called "The Land of Trumpin,'" and it explains just how happy the American people should be right now. It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, iBooks and GooglePlay.