I am a REAL American.
Whew! Glad we got that out of the way. For a minute there, I thought I might be considered disloyal. You can't go to jail for that yet, but you will.
And why am I busting with American-ness?
My mother's family, the Munroes, were brought to America in the 1600s, before it was America, back when the English owned every tree in the American forest.
Three Munroes, brothers, were captured in a Scottish rebellion against the British crown, and shipped here in chains, as punishment. As part of their punishment, they became indentured servants, which meant they had to work for someone for a certain period of years.
This is important. The fact that my ancestors were indentured servants means I now have the moral high ground over the descendants of African-American slaves.
"What about the millions of white, Scottish slaves," I can mutter while waving a Confederate flag and picking my teeth with a bayonet. "When it comes to slavery, white people did all the heavy lifting."
It gives me a leg up in all those other European immigrants who came here later, too.
"My Great-Grandfather Silvia came here from Naples," they say. "He wanted to be an American, and he DID everything legally. Not like these people now."
Lemme ask you something: Did they come and GET Silvia? Did they want him so much they were willing to put him in chains just to get him to America?
No. The real Americans are the ones whose ancestors were so needed that they had to be brought here by any means necessary, including brute force.
Of the first three Munroes to arrive in North America — the prisoners, recall — I'm descended from the only one who didn't serve out his indenture. He ran away, no doubt with his employer's wallet. Damn criminal immigrants!
Eventually, after they served out their indenture, or outran the cops, those Munroes created a family.
One of their descendants, Ebenezer Munroe, is said to have fired "the shot heard 'round the world." That's right, having been given TWO chances to be law-abiding citizens, the Munroes shot at the government TWICE.
As the centuries rolled on, and thanks to the draft, Munroes would shoot at representatives of several governments, including the Confederate States of America, the House of Hohenzollern, Nazi Germany and North Vietnam. Even now, a distant relative of mine is in jail for a sex crime, which is no longer as horrible as it used to be and may, in fact, qualify you for the presidency.
And isn't how it goes in America? You come here a criminal, a violent lawbreaker. You steal. You shoot at the legal government. If you have enough descendants, one of you will commit a sex crime.
But you're still better than the last guy off the plane from Nicaragua who is, after all, a bad bet when it comes to becoming a real American.
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest all-American book, "The Land of Trumpin," describes his horrified reaction to the most recent presidential election and its equally horrifying aftermath.