We Wish You a Merry Christmas Carol

By Lenore Skenazy

December 21, 2017 4 min read

Need some Xmas cheer? Start singing!

What's That Big Lump Under the Tree? (to the tune of "I'll Be Home for Christmas")

I'll say "om" on Christmas.

Yoga is for me.

I'll lie flat

Upon my mat

Beneath the Christmas tree.

Midnight I'm still lying

Next to Santa's sack.

It's not that I hate Christmas;

I just can't move my back.

I think I broke my back.

Bark! The Hairy Angels Sing (to "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")

"Bark!" the labradoodles sing.

"Look at us, the coolest thing.

Curly hair and tempers mild,

Big and small dog reconciled."

"Don't forget us!" call the puggles.

Shorkies yap, "We're best for snuggles."

"Wait a sec!" the mutts proclaim.

"Under our fur, we're all the same."

Yea, tho' wondrous breeds abound.

Do not forget the local pound.

Speak, My Child (to "All Through the Night")

Speak, my child, and we'll all attend thee.

You are so bright.

You are in the top percent-y

And always right.

You are gifted; you are grand.

Soon you'll go to Yale.

But first, darling, don't eat sand.

And please take off that pail.

Deck the Malls (to "Deck the Halls" — duh!)

Deck the malls with stuff from China,

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Hats and Bratz and Dad's reclina,

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Don we non-U.S. apparel,

Fa la la, deficit, blah blah blah!

Watch a film that stars Will Ferrell,

Fa la la la la and la-di-da!

A Cautionary Carol (to "Jingle Bells")

Text my cell! Text my cell!

Text my cell today!

I will check it while I drive

And text back right away,

Hey!

Check my cell! Check my cell!

Text and drive and — hey,

LOL I see a truck,

But everything's O—

A December Birthday (to "Silver Bells")

Making cupcakes, baking cupcakes

For at least 39.

It's birthday time, in the basement.

Children bawling, children falling.

One kid just ate a dime.

And on every iMovie it's clear:

Birthday hell. Birthday hell.

Don't look down there; it's not pretty.

I'm a wreck. Put on "Shrek."

When will it be bye-bye time?

Went and got a big pinata.

It's a cat — green and red.

I had thought they'd enjoy bashing kitty.

But they're flailing and they're wailing.

One keeps screaming, "He's dead!"

And above all the racket you hear:

Birthday hell. Birthday hell.

It's birthday time in the basement.

Can't take more. Close the door.

Soon it will be bye-bye time!

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, founder of Free-Range Kids and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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