Resolutions for the Kids

By Lenore Skenazy

December 28, 2017 4 min read

Why is it always grown-ups who are supposed to go virtuous when January rolls around? This year, let's give some resolutions to the ones who really need to change (and sometimes need a change, too).

—Baby resolutions:

From now on, I, your baby, resolve to sleep through the night and through quite a bit of the morning, too. But it won't cut into my nap time — no, sirree!

If I feel the need to scream, I will wait till the non-stay-at-home parent comes home, because otherwise it's just not fair.

I will stop when a new "Game of Thrones" comes on.

When being diapered, I will lie naked, at one with the pad, channeling my inner yogi. The idea of peeing at that very moment won't even occur to me.

At least not very often.

Unless I'm a boy.

When I am finally old enough to bring a spoonful of mush to my own mouth without assistance, I will respect the relative cleanliness of the walls, the ceiling, my mother's hair and my own, if I have any. The spoon shall go food-mouth, food-mouth until the meal is completed or I do something else equally cute, such as bounce in my highchair. (After I have put down my spoon, of course.)

—Toddler resolutions:

When bumping into furniture, I will not bump into the corner of the file cabinet, which is really sharp. I will bump into the corner of the coffee table instead, which is covered with scrunchy foam, making the experience startling but not worthy of a prolonged wail.

—Preschooler resolutions:

When I draw a stick figure portrait of my family, I will include my brother.


If I want to borrow a friend's toy, I will do this by asking in my indoor voice rather than by using said toy to beat my friend unconscious.

I will get my shoes on in a timely manner.

—Grade schoolers:

I will inform my parents not less than 48 hours before I really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need a solid green shirt, green pants and a brown scarf for the assembly wherein I am slated to play a singing tree.

I will get my shoes on in a timely manner.

—Middle schoolers:

Even though it is really fun to say "Oh, s—-!" as if I don't even realize what I'm saying, I do realize it, and I won't do it anymore. Even though it's really fun. Oh, s—-! I mean — crap! I already told you that!

I will get my shoes on fast as hell.

—High schoolers:

I resolve to wait several minutes between the time I arrive home and the time I shut my bedroom door for the duration of the day.

During those minutes, I will remove the hair from in front of my face and make some sort of eye contact (after taking off any sunglasses, cap and/or earbuds I may be wearing).

If it is a choice between playing a game on my phone and attending the christening, wedding or funeral of a relative, I will choose the latter. I will even wear the appropriate shoes, with minimal complaining. But, Mom?

Where are my socks?!

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, founder of Free-Range Kids and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at

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