Appsolutely Awful

By Lenore Skenazy

May 19, 2016 5 min read

New apps the world is awaiting! (Or maybe not.)

Footbook: Facebook for people too shy to look up.

Fibr: Allows you to find fiber, instantly, anywhere.

KnitBit: Keeps track of how many inches you have knitted in a day.

FateBit: Actuarial table determines when you will die; stopwatch counts down the time you have left.

Wads App: Trident, Wrigley or Bazooka? Photograph the bottom of your shoe and wonder no more.

The Verizon Grrr: Sends a slightly stinging jolt through the phone of friend who hasn't answered your text within 28 seconds.

The Verizon Yowch: Sends a surprisingly robust jolt through the phone of "friend" who hasn't answered your text within 29 seconds.

The Verizon Singe: Sends a searing jolt that leaves a phone-shaped welt on butt of the jerk who "couldn't" answer your text within half a minute.

Where's My Brain? RFID technology locates fantasy where brain has strayed and brings it back to task at hand with a loud "Never gonna happen" or "GET BACK TO WORK!"

Google Naps: Presents viewer with IRS-generated instructions on how to fill out Tax Form 1099-PATR, Taxable Distributions Received From Cooperatives.

Google Naps+: Presents viewer with IRS-generated instructions on how to file for advance payments of the premium tax credit that were not made for you, your spouse, or any individual you enrolled in coverage for whom no one else is claiming the personal exemption (Part 1).

Google Catch: Activates 3-D video of writhing worm. Simply attach phone to fishing line.

Google Glug: Allows fish to call each other and laugh about idiot in wading boots.

Google Pyke: Allows fish to see each other and laugh about idiot in wading boots.

Google Wet Smack: Allows idiot in wading boots to smack self in the head with wet, otherwise no-longer-functioning phone.

FaceSlime: Allows others to laugh at idiot with algae on face.

InstaSpam: Signs up user for amazing time-share deals.

InstaScam: See above.

InstaBam: Get your President Obama quote of the day — or download the previous 2,627!

InstaCram: Summarizes English class favorites in two or three lines. E.g., "Guy mad that whale ate leg. Also, there's symbolism."

InstaFam: Lonely? This RFG (Random Family Generator) adds a total of up to 17 people to your family cue and then deletes two because you are no longer on speaking terms. Note:"BIL" designee will stop by within the hour to borrow your drill (return not guaranteed) and take a beer from your fridge.

SnapCat: SnapChat for old ladies.

SnapLap: SnapChat for old cats.

TempleShalomRun: Players rush to get to temple on time. Bagels of gold, red and blue provide protection and a platform for lox.

InstaGerm: Function encourages you to hand your phone to a nearby child, then take it back.

Shhhazam: Shushes people wearing headphones who don't realize they're singing out loud.

Spotify, Dry-Cleaning Edition: Distracts user applying ketchup, mustard or mayo to sandwich while wearing nice clothes.

Google Mistranslate: Takes ordinary English and produces gaffs that may or may not result in war.

Doodley: Records each day's doodles and lets you know if you are approaching fatal levels of boredom.

Nozee: Exactly how many times did you push your glasses up your nose today?

Enemyster: Create new enemies by finding others who snort at your opinions, hobbies or moral judgments.

Amazon's Amazon Direct: Leeches, piranhas and intestinal parasites delivered to your door while still alive.

MineShaft: Players fall down virtual mine shaft and waste the rest of their lives trying to get out.

Elfie: Allows user to take photos of self with imaginary friend, who does not show up in photo.

Pyft: New app that ... never mind. It's nothing, really.

Lenore Skenazy is author of the book and blog, "Free-Range Kids," and a keynote speaker at conferences, companies and schools. Her TV show, "World's Worst Mom" airs on the Discovery Life Channel. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Creators at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: K?rlis Dambr?ns

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