Over Labor Day weekend, I attended two weddings and helped three couples celebrate their anniversaries. Not that I can bemoan these holiday nuptials. I, too, had a wedding on Labor Day weekend.

Two very different thoughts came to me while celebrating this weekend of lifelong love.

1) Everything you want to know about a wedding can be answered in one bite of cake.

2) Shoot! How did my husband and I get to eight years already? I totally missed out on taking advantage of that whole "seven-year itch" thing.

But first, we eat cake.

I'm convinced brides realize that the carefully concealed secrets of their weddings lie within the cake and that's why it comes so late in the evening. It's not because we traditionally eat dessert after dinner; that's just what they want us to think! If there is ever a day to eat cake first, it's your wedding day! Nay, brides hold off on the cake because they refuse to give away too much too early. A year's worth of planning cannot be exposed in a single bite! But it would be. Oh, it would be. The proof is in the pudding, er, cake, and I can prove it:

—Exquisite exterior, dry interior cake. You are at a traditional wedding. Everything will be beautiful and lovely but relatively impersonal. You will have fun, but few tears will be shed. There is a chance you will have to do the Electric Slide.

—Basic exterior, delicious interior cake. This wedding will be fun. The couple will either buck the traditions, such as not cutting the cake, or make a fun spin on the tradition. This wedding is not about keeping up appearances but rather about making sure the folks attending — and most importantly the bride and groom — have a great time. Don't miss the garter toss; there is a chance you will actually be thrown a pair of XXXXL granny panties.

—Exquisite exterior, delicious interior cake. This is the wedding Martha Stewart dreamed about to make it through her time in the slammer. Everything is impeccable, personal and paid for with completely maxed-out credit cards. You will have to endure every single wedding tradition, but suddenly you won't care. You'll be front and center to watch the cutting of the cake. And there will be no face smashing. Not with this masterpiece. The speeches will make you tear up, and the father-daughter dance will have you bawling. Just don't expect to see much of the bride and groom. They will be making thank-you rounds all night long.

—Funky exterior, dry interior cake. This wedding will be crazy-pants. The couple not only don't care about tradition but don't care about expectations, either. The bride's dress will be purple. The groom will wear sneakers. The couple will write their own vows, and their officiant will be the random hot dog vendor they met in front of. You may have to endure the chicken dance just because putting you through this torture makes the couple smile. You may also see a limbo stick. The bar is open, open, open.

—Funky exterior, delicious interior cake. Yes, the bride may walk down the aisle to "Livin' on a Prayer," but it will be the instrumental version. This wedding is all about the surprises. You think you're about to witness the first dance, but it turns into a flash mob. You expect speeches and get a roast. The couple will not participate in any tradition other than as a rouse. Stay on your toes at this wedding. No, really, stay on your toes. Like 50 people spilled the spiked punch on the dance floor. People will be partying so much that most folks will forget to eat the cake — which is a crying shame, because that cake is awesome and delicious.

That brings me to my second thought of the weekend:

On my wedding day, eight years ago, I had a friend deliver a present and card to the room where my husband was getting dressed. The card read, "I'm so happy to have you as my first husband." I told him he had seven years before he'd get the boot. I had plans. Big plans! One husband from each continent. But somehow I let this past year slip by and missed the intended divorce date.

I guess time flies by when your relationship is cake.

Like Katiedid Langrock on Facebook, at http://www.facebook.com/katiedidhumor. Check out her column at http://didionsbible.com. To find out more about Katiedid Langrock and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.