Katiedid Langrock from Creators Syndicate https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Tue, 31 Mar 2020 15:25:09 -0700 https://www.creators.com/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Katiedid Langrock from Creators Syndicate https://cdn.creators.com/features/katiedid-langrock-thumb.jpg https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid 6c026c0cef70c5b132d01ca12d80b6f3 Confessions From the Bathroom for 03/28/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/03/20/confessions-from-the-bathroom Sat, 28 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p>Confession No. 1,039</p> <p>Topic: coronavirus</p> <p>Dearest Porcelain Goddess, I bow before you, or rather, sit upon you with earnest gratitude for the physical separation you afford me from my children. We are a couple of weeks into our shelter-in-place mandate, but the "in place" aspect seems to elude my kids. They are never sitting still in one place &#8212; unless by "in place," the mayor meant my face, in which case, yes, the children do this often, as they crawl all over me, making a fort out of my body and a lookout tower, their favorite place to perch, out of my head. If only they could shelter "in place" on something else, the way I have opted to shelter in place on you, dearest toilet, as long as the heavens will allow.<p>Updated: Sat Mar 28, 2020</p> 9f8855d632c67c76abbc350795e27823 Sheltering in Place With Kids for 03/21/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/03/20/sheltering-in-place-with-kids Sat, 21 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p>SOS from the front lines of Coronavirus Isolation with kids:</p> <p>00:01:00 The schools have been closed. The store shelves are empty. We've been shopping. We've been preparing for this. We are fine. We are safe. We are healthy. This is just an extended vacation &#8212; an inside, isolated staycation. I vow not to leave the house for at least a week.</p> <p>00:01:20 My throat feels itchy. It's probably nothing.<p>Updated: Sat Mar 21, 2020</p> 635982af8ddf9b2c26f0e87bf714ce7e Name Game for 03/07/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/03/20/name-game-fe9f7 Sat, 07 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>My daughter asked, "Wanna know what I'm gonna name my children?"</p> <p>Of course I did. "I'm going to have two daughters, named Rose and Lily, and a son named Black-Eyed Susan."</p> <p>"Is this a flower-child take on 'A Boy Named Sue'?"<p>Updated: Sat Mar 07, 2020</p> 977436773fe65bdeda587ab8e15b34af Vertigo Suffering for 02/29/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/02/20/vertigo-suffering Sat, 29 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>As I lie dying, I have to admit to myself that I am in fact not dying, no matter how impossible that truth seems. I know I am not dying because I am in fact getting better. Better enough to write this. Better enough to sit up, turn my head and have recall. Better enough to recall that the last time I felt so sure that I was dying was when I was forced to read "As I Lay Dying" in 10th grade. A far more honest description would be, "As I lie spinning." Or a more medically sound description, perhaps, would be, "As I lie vertigo-ing." But seeing as spinning sounds fun and most people don't know what vertigo is and I have a flair for the dramatic, "as I lie dying" is how I will start this piece, because when my husband asked me how I felt, all I could answer was, "Death."</p> <p>Vertigo, it turns out, is not what I thought it is &#8212; namely, just a momentary sensation of spinning upon sitting up quickly, a blip of off-balance that is quickly steadied. No. <span class="column--highlighted-text">Vertigo, at least the vertigo that kept me from writing last week, is an all-encompassing, full-bodied whirlpool descending into hell as the earth spins mightily and unrelentingly around you with gale force for hours on end, coercing torrents of vomit to be released as you shake and shudder and sweat.</span> Basically, it's what roller coaster engineers are going for every time they release a new ride at Six Flags. And to say it is the worst would be an understatement. At its Category 5 status, the vertigo storm never settles; it only dies down enough for you to grab a thought. If you so dare as turn your head ever so slightly, it whips up into a full frenzy once more, sending you spinning and puking for who knows how long. The fear of movement may be the worst bit. The fear of movement is what has me, even now, a full week later, typing with a barf bin next to me.</p> <p>Perhaps there are many types of vertigo. Perhaps it is not like this for everyone. And seeing as I do like to feel special, when the symptoms started I thought that perhaps I was just the special girl who got a uniquely bad kind. When my friend took me to urgent care, I told the doctor that I had no idea vertigo could be like this. I told him I thought it's a momentary dizzy spell. He laughed at me while I sat there hunched over. I was white-knuckled from gripping my third barf bag and unable to make eye contact with him as he said, "Most people don't know what vertigo looks like. It looks like hell on earth. It looks like you right now."<p>Updated: Sat Feb 29, 2020</p> 989865a4d5ed366b169236f0588b0acc Whistle While You Carpet Clean for 02/15/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/02/20/whistle-while-you-carpet-clean Sat, 15 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>As I sit here, on my bed, we are having our carpet cleaned in the other room.</p> <p>The carpet cleaner, a man we will refer to as CeeCee, knocked on our door a little past 9 a.m. He has the mustache of either an evil villain or a silent-movie star or both. It is precisely the type of bushy, curly mustache my 4-year-old daughter has been begging me to grow ever since seeing "Peter Pan" and falling in love with good ol' Captain Hook.</p> <p>"Mommies can't grow mustaches," I told her.<p>Updated: Sat Feb 15, 2020</p> 1552c212a3e7d158fd6cefee1f7c1b60 Bulk Balk for 02/08/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/02/20/bulk-balk Sat, 08 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>I, like most people, I imagine, have a love-hate relationship with the big bulk stores &#8212; you know, Costco, Sam's Club, the stores so large that they usually sit on a street named after them, the stores with shipment garage doors so massive they must have ordered them used from a UFO hangar at Area 51. There is much to love and hate about these bulk businesses. On one hand, they are always so crowded that I'm confident I'll be arrested for ginormous-cart-related manslaughter &#8212; or at the very least find myself on the receiving end of a class action suit on behalf of the hundreds of people whose heels I accidentally ram into. On the other hand, 75-pound bags of peanut M&M's? Yes, please! Freezing-cold monolithic concrete building? Bad. Free samples? Good. Being forced to spend no less than three hours of your weekend pushing, pulling, weaving and yelling to get three years' worth of toilet paper? Bad. Never having to leave the house with a wet bum because you ran out of said toilet paper? Amazing.</p> <p>It's a constant internal battle. When I first had babies and was living in Los Angeles, I found myself at the bulk stores biweekly &#8212; buying diapers, wet naps, paper towels, disinfectants and muffins (so I actually remembered to eat something). It was survival. And survival is something very different from pleasure or ideology.</p> <p>When I moved to the edge of the wild, I learned my new town had a bulk store, but I refrained from membership. In fact, <span class="column--highlighted-text">I refrained from even learning the exact location of the fortress of fruit snacks, televisions and random pool toys. Sure, it would be the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse, but it didn't represent the person I wanted to be.</span> I wanted to be the shop-local girl, the CSA vegetable girl, the co-op girl. So I put my head down, in fear I'd discover the whereabouts of the building monstrosity.<p>Updated: Sat Feb 08, 2020</p> dceac092d10985d9743082097ca2d3b9 Garlic Hair for 02/01/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/01/20/garlic-hair Sat, 01 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>The olive oil is hot in the pan. I peel cloves of garlic. I chop the cloves. The scent fills the kitchen, the living room, the dining room. My husband comes into the kitchen.</p> <p>"Smells good. What's for lunch?" he asks.</p> <p>"No idea," I reply. "This is for my hair."<p>Updated: Sat Feb 01, 2020</p> bb7d4c19fb50e63925467f37827e359b Winter Leis for 01/25/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/01/20/winter-leis Sat, 25 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Michelle Obama, in her book "Becoming," says her mother admitted that every winter, she contemplated leaving Obama's father. Obama goes on to explain to readers that we must understand that in Chicago, the winters are long and gray and heavy. They seem never-ending and interminable. And perhaps a little fantasy is needed to get you through. Perhaps the recommitment in the spring to your marriage makes the whole winter worthwhile because you emerge new and with clear eyes.</p> <p>Today, in my home on the cusp of the wild, we are having yet another gray, miserable winter day. Frigid winds, sleeting rain. I am not thinking about leaving my husband. Not today, anyway. I am thinking about leaving my interior decorator. (Full disclosure: That's me. I'm the decorator.)</p> <p>Why is it that in the wintertime, we decorate the insides of our homes with spruce garland, snow-frosted maple leaves and bare, lifeless twigs? Craft stores make millions of dollars persuading us to make the insides of our homes look like the outsides of our homes. But the outsides of our homes stink! That's why we are inside!<p>Updated: Sat Jan 25, 2020</p> a4735c984591ba3c26ab28ddb389737e Saber-Toothed Contact for 01/18/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/01/20/saber-toothed-contact Sat, 18 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>This morning, I dropped my contact lens in the sink, and it took me no less than 10 minutes to find it. Yes, the lens is transparent, making it difficult to find, but the thing about losing your contact is that you don't have the working eyes to find it.</p> <p>I have been in glasses since first grade. Back when I was a child, my dad, whom I've only ever known in glasses, said not to worry. My eyesight could never be as bad as his. By junior high, I had doubled his prescription.</p> <p>The good thing about poor eyesight is how remarkably fixable it all seems. When I lived in Los Angeles, the only time I thought about my poor eyesight was when I'd consider the possibility of having an earthquake in the middle of the night. If my glasses fell off the bedside table during the Big One, how would I be able to navigate my way to safety? Would I be able to tell the difference between a helpful neighbor and a charging coyote among the rubble? I considered getting laser eye surgery. Problem solved. This was ignoring, of course, that I'd just been through hypothetical earthquake devastation. But one fantasized tragedy at a time.<p>Updated: Sat Jan 18, 2020</p> f309aaddb69b68a3a2840a017722da7d Tornado Bunker for 01/11/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/01/20/tornado-bunker Sat, 11 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>On Christmas, my husband got a signed picture of Carson Wentz, the quarterback of his favorite football team, the Philadelphia Eagles. He didn't get it from me.</p> <p>"Great," he said. "For the man cave."</p> <p>He caught my eye across the room and added the word "someday."<p>Updated: Sat Jan 11, 2020</p> c47656f52e10d1f9ff93623c6d8ff801 Progression of a Winter Break for 01/04/2020 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/01/20/progression-of-a-winter-break Sat, 04 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Winter Break, Minus One Day:</p> <p>I cannot wait for school to be over. The kids need a break. We all need a break. Time to sleep in all morning! Wear pajamas all day! Make cookies! Make hot cocoa! Make memories! Snuggle up in front of movies. In front of the fire. In front of the menorah. In front of the Christmas tree. Play on the tree swing outside. Play board games inside. Connect. Relax. Love. I cannot wait.</p> <p>Winter Break, Day 1:<p>Updated: Sat Jan 04, 2020</p> d8b535575de1269ff2952cd745d34c5b Broken Coffee Maker for 12/28/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/12/19/broken-coffee-maker Sat, 28 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>The coffee maker broke.</p> <p>What was I saying? Oh, yes, the coffee maker broke. It occurs to me that there are other ways to make coffee. Surely, coffee has been made without a coffee maker. I will be able to think of what those ways are once I have coffee. But the coffee maker broke.</p> <p>It's fine. It's Christmastime. And Hanukkah time. And New Year's time. And I am on deadline. And the kids are home from school. And they need me to play monsters. And they need me to change the sheets after an accident. And they need breakfast. No, not that breakfast. They wanted that breakfast 10 minutes ago. Now they want a new breakfast. And I could absolutely handle getting them second breakfast while changing their sheets as I play a werewolf mummy, but the coffee maker broke.<p>Updated: Sat Dec 28, 2019</p> 6e46351c68e8423b479585f691f937bf Hiding the Tree Swing for 12/21/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/12/19/hiding-the-tree-swing Sat, 21 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>For Chrismukkah this year, I bought my kids a giant tree swing.</p> <p>This has been an effort three years in the making. The kids have always wanted a tree swing (heck, I've always wanted a tree swing), but we are blessed with magically tall and ancient trees on our property &#8212; which means the lowest branches loom high above our house. Buying a tree swing is easy; getting it set up has proved to be nearly impossible.</p> <p>Plenty of people have come by the house to see whether they could hang the swing for us, and plenty have turned down the paying gig. This year, I found a professional competitive tree climber to take on the task. And I could not be more thrilled with the results.<p>Updated: Sat Dec 21, 2019</p> 71ba9112fb5c44d38a492f1470db85fe Santa Slaps for 12/14/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/12/19/santa-slaps Sat, 14 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>When I was about 7, my son's age, I was determined to see Santa Claus. From previous years, I knew that if I stared out my window long enough, my eyes would go heavy and I'd eventually sleep, my head resting on the windowsill. This year, I couldn't miss it. I wouldn't miss it. Rather than sleep in my bedroom, I insisted on sleeping on the couch, next to the tree. If I fell asleep, surely I'd wake from the bustle of Santa placing presents under my tree.</p> <p>This was a bold move. At this age, I had a healthy fear of Santa. I knew he was a no-nonsense guy. He had a lot of kids to get to that night and didn't have patience for kids who would try to trap him, ensnare him or sneak up on him. If he saw me curled around the tree, softly snoring, it was just as likely that he would opt to give me coal instead of toys. It was a naughty act, and I felt as if I was already pushing it, seeing as my mom is Jewish. Santa didn't visit any of my other Jewish friends. It was worth never getting a single present again (well, not from Santa, anyway) to see magic in action.</p> <p>To this day, I don't know how I didn't wake as presents were placed around the tree. That year both secured my belief in magic and secured my fear of Santa. I had undoubtedly pushed a boundary. Now I'd better be extra good.<p>Updated: Sat Dec 14, 2019</p> d074389ba6ce1181a378fadbd0410f06 Woman's Never List for 12/07/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/12/19/womans-never-list Sat, 07 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>There is something making its way around social media called the "Woman's Never List."</p> <p>The premise is that every woman has a mental list, personal and unique to her, of things she will never do. The idea isn't that these are things the woman would like to do; rather, they are things she has recognized she will not do, despite any inherent desire. At its essence, it is supposed to be, I think, a list about self-acceptance, about being able to admit we all fall short somewhere. It's a list that seeks camaraderie in airing out secrets.</p> <p>I'm all for self-acceptance, so I eagerly read the lists popping up. I expected fun misfit tales, such as "I will never be able to tell my identical twin nieces apart" or "I will never be able to grow back my eyebrows after aggressively over-plucking them in the '90s." I thought that perhaps I would read something scandalous, such as "I will never stop finding Count von Count kinda sexy" or "I will never stop loving Nickelback."<p>Updated: Sat Dec 07, 2019</p> d8447f0c9113ddb1acc5574eaeadce24 5-Minute Motel for 11/30/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/11/19/5-minute-motel Sat, 30 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>"You have five minutes after checking in to ask for a refund. Requests after five minutes will not be granted."</p> <p>Blinking, I read the sign again as the motel cashier charged my credit card. <i> Well, this doesn't bode well. How many people had demanded a refund within the first 10 minutes of seeing their room before the place decided that this five-minute limit had to be implemented? </i></p> <p>"Smoking or non?" the motel cashier asked me through the bulletproof window.<p>Updated: Sat Nov 30, 2019</p> b4954b5900db8523013f04561825f113 Mutant Suitcase for 11/23/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/11/19/mutant-suitcase Sat, 23 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>"Oh, my Godzilla! You still have that mutant suitcase?" my friend said, mouth agape, when she saw my packed luggage &#8212; specifically, my soft, flimsy but impossibly huge gray suitcase. "When you bought it, I was sure you'd be stopped at the very first airport you dragged it into and have its contents searched for smuggled acrobats."</p> <p>To be fair, it could probably hold a handful of contortionists quite comfortably.</p> <p>The mutant suitcase has tracked a lot of miles. It was purchased after the birth of my first child, when hauling luggage, a stroller, a car seat, a diaper bag and a wriggly baby through a cramped airport made my skin crawl with anxiety. This felt impossible with even just one suitcase, so no way could it be done with two. Yet now we had so much more stuff! <span class="column--highlighted-text">We had beloved stuffed animals, a pharmacy's worth of medication and enough diapers to survive Armageddon. Nothing could be left home, because you could never guess what the baby would need the next day, the next hour, the next minute, the next second. But two suitcases? No, two would not do. So in came the purchase of the mutant suitcase.</span><p>Updated: Sat Nov 23, 2019</p> ab6749c46112cb6c19a5de1d596f07b5 Neighborhood Decorations for 11/16/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/11/19/neighborhood-decorations Sat, 16 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>It's that time of year again, when my neighborhood looks intentionally festive rather than just lazy. The holly on the mailboxes, the icicle Christmas lights dangling off rain gutters, and the Nativity scene window stickers could all be mistaken by any new visitor to the cul-de-sac for recently adorned holiday decor put up by those eager to make jolly. Little would a new trespasser know that these winter wonderlings have been in place since we moved to the neighborhood over three years ago.</p> <p>Dead of summer? How about a light-up snowman leaning on your wilting hibiscus? Nothing goes better with your dead brown lawn than a wicker Rudolph-and-friends lawn display.</p> <p>Not that I am judging. Oh, no. I am taking notes.<p>Updated: Sat Nov 16, 2019</p> 453870fd54407322a48b9f1d81be09d7 Promo A Go-Go for 11/09/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/11/19/promo-a-go-go-e5e7c Sat, 09 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Congratulations!</p> <p>Your big new promotion is wonderful news. You definitely deserve your new, supersized salary and juicy executive perks.<p>Updated: Sat Nov 09, 2019</p> b69f9f0070d1692afbb008eef5669666 Chew-broccla for 11/02/2019 https://www.creators.com/read/katiedid/11/19/chew-broccla Sat, 02 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p>"Hold on a second," my aunt said to my cousin, who was mid-story. She turned to stare at me. Silence fell over our dinner table. Then my aunt started to giggle.</p> <p>"You have to be the loudest chewer in the entire world."</p> <p>I was about 7 years old. And when I look back, this is the first memory I have of feeling truly mortified by someone's observation of me.<p>Updated: Sat Nov 02, 2019</p>