The Golden Girl Inside Us

By Katiedid Langrock

February 18, 2017 5 min read

"The Golden Girls" is now on Hulu, and I am obsessed. Not with the show, per se — though, truly, that should be a given for anyone who is breathing — but rather in determining which golden girl I am.

What is it about groups of four that makes us want to determine which part of each group we align with? There never seem to be options of three or five; four is the magic number. Which of the four Hogwarts houses do you belong to? (Gryffindor.) Which of the four seasons are you? (Spring.) Which of the four "Sex and the City" women are you? (None.)

Now that "The Golden Girls" is on Hulu, I can watch with regularity, as opposed to randomly (read: blissfully) finding the silver-toned sisters in syndication on a Saturday afternoon while channel surfing. But I don't feel comfortable indulging in cheesecake and a cheesy laugh track until I know definitively which gray lady is my spirit animal. The entire viewing experience is elevated by understanding one's alliances. For example, how could you possibly enjoy watching a Quidditch match if you did not know which house you belong to? You wouldn't know whom to cheer for, what colors to wear! The whole notion is as preposterous as a boy who survived a killing curse from the world's most powerful wizard and only has a lightning bolt scar to show for it. But I digress.

Defining my golden girl soul sister is a big decision, likely the most self-defining choice I will make in this decade. The result deserves to be stated boldly on a pastel-colored bumper sticker, with a Twitter handle emoji and in the header of my resume. Yes, resume. Mark my words: It's only a matter of time before job applications begin asking you to state which golden girl you identify with the most over what college degree you hold. Surely, anyone can acquire a Bachelor of Science, but it takes a real Blanche Devereaux to have full fundamental knowledge of human anatomy (mostly male human anatomy). Medical schools may want to consider opening their doors to poetry majors who identify as a Blanche over their more typical and arguably less qualified pre-med candidates. (I mean, would you really want a Dorothy as your doctor — someone who went back to Stanley? I don't think so. And let's not even get started on bedside manner.)

The problem with choosing which of the four fierce females I relate to most is the simple fact that I relate to all four. Don't we all? To really know this answer, one must delve deep into the core of his or her own being, to look upon oneself with unabashed, unashamed eyes. And can we ever truly see ourselves — the way in which others do, the way that would determine which golden girl we are?

These are life's big questions. Lucky for us, existential soul-searching has been given a helping hand: online quizzes. Gone are the days of Myers-Briggs. Sure, I'm an ENFP, but what does that really tell you? Considering that the renowned personality quiz comes to a conclusion about your personality type without ever displaying six images of pie and asking you which pie slice represents your current mood and/or relationship status, I don't trust it. It's not that the test is bad; it's just a tad antiquated. Just because I like my girls golden doesn't mean I like my personality quizzes olden.

Four online quizzes later, I got conflicting results as to which golden girl I am. According to the quiz on CNN.com, I'm Rose, which seems pretty accurate, but can I trust a news source the president refers to as "fake news"? Among BuzzFeed, BrainFall and Playbuzz, I got Dorothy twice and Blanche once. So which one is it? Who am I — Rose, Dorothy or Blanche? Am I loony, sarcastic or adventurous? I can juggle all three in a single sentence.

Sadly, Sophia seems to be missing from my personality. If I had to pick a golden girl I most want to be like, she would be the one. And with my God-given skill set of shuffling my feet, you would think we'd be a perfect match — even if I do hate high-collared floral nightgowns.

Perhaps there is a lesson in this most ultimate dilemma. Maybe we should embrace each golden girl in all of us — or binge-watch the show on Hulu until there is a clear winner.

Katiedid Langrock is author of the book "Stop Farting in the Pyramids," available at http://www.creators.com/books/stop-farting-in-the-pyramids. Like Katiedid Langrock on Facebook, at http://www.facebook.com/katiedidhumor. To find out more about her and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

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