OVAL OFFICE — Some Christmas, huh? The blood-red trees my wife, Melania, got look like a crime scene investigation. Our holiday theme.
No White House party for the press this year — too much fake news! These enemies of the people are excited that the Democrats are coming to town. Subpoenas, tax returns, all that jazz. And special counsel Robert Mueller closing in on me.
Bah! Humbug! All the parties will be over soon. I'm dreaming of a dark Washington for Christmas and New Year's. Lights out. A government shutdown is just what everyone deserves, except me and Ivanka. I am all about hating the federal government, folks!
I'm getting out before midnight Friday, the deadline. The optics, they tell me, are terrible. I'll be golfing in Mar-a-Lago and plan to stay for quite a while.
What a grueling year. So many witch hunts. Losing many good men such as Ryan Zinke, interior secretary, who rode a horse to work. And a Rat lawyer betrayed me. Pathetic Michael Cohen!
So Mike Flynn lied a little to the FBI. So he was cozy with the Russian ambassador. He was very loyal to me in the campaign. Led the "Lock her up!" chants. Good luck in sentencing court, Mike!
And so the Russians helped me against Hillary Clinton on social media. Sue me. Impeach me. I really don't care, do you? It's a free country! I play to win, with a little help from my friends. Isn't it a good thing to be friends with Russia?
My only regret is not building a Trump Tower in Moscow.
Democratic "leaders" Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, here in my Oval, my real estate, they tell me I don't have the votes or the billions for the border wall — with cameras whirring. They think they're so smart!
Chuck and Nancy don't know how much this wall means to me. I swore last time I would never give an inch again on my beautiful wall for border security. They don't understand how happily I will shut down the government over Christmas. Proudly. No problem! Maybe.
The wall means everything to me, OK? It's the one promise I have to keep. My people, my base, went wild every time I mentioned that very tall wall. Keeping "bad hombres" and criminals out. That will be my signature forever. NO MORE Mr. Nice Guy!
Chief of Staff John Kelly insists I make my first visit to soldiers in a war zone over Christmas. He's a Marine general, what does he know? I don't want to risk my life for that. Kelly can't wait to leave the motley crew he can't command and control, including me. Leaving me with half a chief, which is fine. As long as I have Ivanka and young hawk Stephen Miller by my side. I love Stephen's edge, but he's not from central casting.
My son-in-law can go play with the Arabian crown prince. Nice work, Jared, keeping the Saudis front and center. It was not nice, what happened to the journalist, under a bone saw. But our business is with the kingdom. The dark prince and the old king were very good to me. My first foreign visit.
Don't get me started with foreign visits. Paris was, like, no fun in the rain. So I missed an American cemetery visit — so what? All the allies — England, Germany, even Emmanuel Macron — gave me the cold shoulder. Et tu, Macron? He broke away from me, publicly insulting nationalism as we marked the end of World War I.
I'm like, why am I here? I'm not feeling any love. I'm not getting any thank-you notes or parades. I'm the man with the most hardware. I'm not here to make new friends.
Europe and NATO — crybabies over broken teacups. "America First" makes them weep.
So sometime on the midnight clear, my work is done. I'll resign. I need more time to golf and tweet, to spend with my lawyers. I can always have red state rallies. They love me there. I can watch cable shows to my heart's content.
If I can't have my wall, then I'll build that tower yet.
To find out more about Jamie Stiehm and other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the website creators.com.