A monologue overheard on Air Force One:
What a rush. My greatest speech, on the Fourth of July. Trump, loud and clear. Better than that Frederick Douglass. Everybody's talking about me. South Dakota, you made America great again!
I said to myself, Donald, it's showtime — a season finale. I had to clear the field of my enemies, America's enemies, who hate our history — our sacred statues of the Confederate War.
The heritage of our people. Very fine people. Our lives matter.
Mount Rushmore will never be the same after I landed with that big, beautiful crowd cheering me on — showing their faces like real Americans, not sissy city people, afraid of a little virus. It won't kill you. That's a HOAX!
Tulsa, eat your dusty heart out.
South Dakota has Kristi Noem — whoa, Governor Knockout! She could be one of my beauty queens in Atlantic City. Central casting. I told her, and that made her very happy. Melania, she really didn't care.
We're facing street mobs of the radical left teaching their children to hate our country. Teaching cancel culture. Sissies that stay home and watch "Hamilton."
I like people who don't get shot.
This attack on our magnificent liberty must be stopped very quickly.
This hot summer is my Gettysburg. President Andrew Jackson, the fierce general, is with us every step of the way. Andy, Old Hickory, I call him. Battleground lines are drawn in black and white, red and blue, us and them.
That includes crushing everybody who wrote or thought a bad word about me. Every reporter, every general, everyone obsessed with the President's Daily Brief, every never-Trumper, everyone on Fake News CNN. That Russian bounty thing, you think I need an unreadable daily briefing on that?
They're trying to come between me and Vlad.
Nancy Pelosi, she's very sad that I won't even speak to her after I won impeachment and the Mueller report. That's what she gets, ha-ha. She even ripped up my speech to get my attention. Poor little Nancy!
Let's get down to the top of my enemies list. Mitt Romney, John Bolton and Barack Obama. Treason, anyone? They think they're smarter than me — their first mistake. I never forget a slight, and I don't kid. Remember that, my friends. Dead John McCain, he knows.
They're jealous of my power, my strength, the 83 million followers under my command. They've never seen any president change Washington, change this country, in four short years, without firing a shot — on Fifth Avenue — yet.
A little tear gas goes a long way. My Rose Garden moment was for all time. And we had tanks ready to get the job done. Bill Barr cleared the square with split-second timing.
It was sweet, standing there in front of Washington and Jefferson. The crowd saw my face up on the cliff. ... If there's no room for me, blow up Teddy. His ratings are going down.
Sorry, Teddy, you're fired. Unless I get the Nobel Peace Prize, then you're saved by the Nobel.
Oh, so the fake polls say I'm behind old Joe Biden. The polls had me behind Crooked Hillary, up until Election Day. Trump knows how to win, OK? Trump knows how to play the board, the Monopoly board in my mind. Hotels and colors.
Even when I lose, I win. The Constitution says I can do what I want — shut the post office, close polls early and call out the National Guard. Bill Barr's the man with the plan. What happened in June was just practice.
Supreme Court better be backup, John Roberts! Not kidding.
I love when the enemies of the people underestimate me, and it happens all the time. Got to tweet that, folks. Excuse me. (Pause.) Thank you.
Oh, how I hope Joe picks Pocahontas. I'll have her for breakfast. Any woman he picks. Strong versus sissy.
Joe just lets his tongue do the talking into a traffic jam. Joe doesn't get television or tweets. He's never run against a killer. I'm not losing to Joe Biden.
If you liked soldiers defending the Lincoln Memorial, Abe's tremendous American Revolution, you'll love our new civil war.
Let the winning begin.
Jamie Stiehm can be reached at JamieStiehm.com. To read her weekly column and find out more about Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, please visit creators.com.
Photo credit: 12019 at Pixabay