Dear Margo: Not many people believe me when I tell them why I'm going through a divorce. "Clara," my wife of five years, with whom I have three children, is leaving me for an inmate on death row whom she met through a pen pal website.

At first I had no problem with the letter writing, but she started getting secretive about it, hiding letters and rushing out to the mailbox as soon as the mailman came by. Eventually I found out they were writing inappropriate things to each other. She said she was falling in love with him and he was satisfying her in ways I never could.

I asked her to break it off with him, and she said she would, but only if it was face to face. Stupidly I agreed. She came back and told me he proposed to her and she accepted. After doing research, I found out this is actually more common than not, women wanting to marry prisoners and such.

She told me to stop playing the part of the outraged husband and start being a friend to her. How am I supposed to do that? I want this marriage to work, but I can't do it alone, nor can I do it with him still in the picture . . . though he will be gone someday. I desperately need advice. — Stuck with Prison Woes

Dear Stuck: You have my sympathy. Your wife is off her rocker, just like all the women who "fall in love" with incarcerated criminals. Men who will never get out can marry, often to "pen pals." Sometimes they are notorious (which can be what attracts the women in the first place).

Lyle Menendez, for example, married in prison (though he divorced a year later). So did Ted Bundy. It is a safe generalization that women who wish to be married to, or have "relationships" with men on death row wish to be "famous," martyrs, celibate and "committed" in name only.

As for your wife's request that you "be a friend to her," that is insane. You might explain to your wife that she has three little kids and a husband. If she doesn't snap out of this nutty fugue, I would take the children and give your wife her "freedom" to devote her life to her new love interest. — Margo, flabbergastedly

There Is Never a Timetable for This

Dear Margo: I'm 25 years old and the only single girl over 18 in the family . . . and I'm a virgin. I've never really been in love with any of the men I've dated, so I decided not to become sexually active. With all of the STDs around, and the possibility of pregnancy, I thought I should really be committed to someone before moving to the next level sexually.

Here's my problem. My sister, several cousins, and my two best friends all keep pressuring me to "just get it over with" and they make comments such as, "No man wants to marry a virgin," etc. Is it weird that I've wanted to wait? Am I too old to be a virgin? Should I "just get it over with"? — Waiting for Love or Wasting My Time?

Dear Wait: I hope I get to you in time! All your advice-givers are wrong, wrong, wrong.

The experience would be entirely different for you if you just "got it over with," as opposed to having genuine feelings for your "first." You are right to be concerned about all the consequences, and there is no right age after which you are considered to have waited too long. (And virgins are actually quite a hot property . . . simply because there are so few of them; sort of a supply and demand thing.)

It might have been better if your sister, several cousins, and two best friends did not know the answer to "Does she or doesn't she?" Going forward, however, tell this delegation that the subject is no longer open to discussion. — Margo, approvingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.