Dear Margo: Our 20-year-old daughter has been involved for two years with a young man who smokes, drinks too much, is controlling, quit school and can't hold down a job. He has no car, so our daughter has to do all the driving back from college to see him every weekend.

In no way is he the kind of potential son-in-law we hoped she would choose. We wanted her to meet someone new at school, but it's looking as if this boy may be in our daughter's life for a long time. Because we have objected to her relationship with him from the beginning, we have very little contact with him.

More than anything, we want to maintain a good relationship with our daughter. We would never want her to have to choose between him and us — we know we would lose. How can we deal with the worry over her making a life-altering mistake if she marries him? Is it better for us to try to accept this loser into our family or fight it and hope we don't alienate our daughter? — Disappointed and Worried

Dear Dis: You are wise to figure out you wouldn't win if you pushed your daughter to choose. You really have to tolerate him to keep the family relationship intact, but do not play yourselves false with phony bonhomie. There is the possibility that down the line she will tire of this lout, being exposed, as she is, to young people who are working toward a goal and who can carry on an intelligent conversation.

She may also become fed up with a guy who dropped out, doesn't drive, drinks too much, bounces around from job to job, and tells her what to do. Her age suggests she will not be talking marriage in the terribly near future, so time is on your side. Should it happen and not work, try very hard not to say, "We told you so." — Margo, strategically

What About Fickle Friends?

Dear Margo: My best friend and I have known each other for 13 years. Seven years ago, I moved across the country, while still keeping in touch with her, and our relationship was great. Just this past year, my husband and I moved back to our home state, and again live in the same town as my best friend.

Since I've been back, I have made several efforts to maintain our relationship, while she, on the other hand, has made excuses for not getting together. She hardly calls me, and her e-mails are usually short. I was confused by her behavior because I always thought we had stayed good friends and that we would just pick up where we were before I moved.

I did e-mail her once about my feelings about our relationship and asked if I did something wrong. Her reply was pretty nonchalant, saying she's been busy with work, etc. I know that if she truly cared about our relationship, she would make the effort to maintain it. But the problem is, I care for this person and feel I deserve an explanation. — Confused & Hurt in the Midwest

Dear Con: I don't know that she would be able to give you one. Your best-friend rhythm was disturbed by your absence of seven years. Some people can maintain the closeness with e-mails, phone calls and a few visits . . . some can't. (I have dear girlfriends in other cities, and the distance between us affects the friendship not one iota.)

For whatever reason, this woman is not interested or able to pick up where you left off. Just chalk it up to her personality, and don't beat yourself up over it. — Margo, acceptingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.