Dear Margo: I've been reading your column for years and have noticed that infidelity is a recurring subject. I have a new question regarding this. It is often said that when people cheat, it means they don't love their partner. Does this necessarily mean they love their lover?

If the cheater doesn't leave a partner, this could also mean he or she doesn't love the lover enough to make the decision to live their affair openly. So, whom does a cheater really love?

I am asking because I found out that my husband is cheating on me, but he keeps denying his affair — even though I've confronted him with irrefutable proof. He tells me he loves me and that I am the woman in his life. I know I'm certainly not. What troubles me most is that he won't leave me or let me go.

I have even told him to fight for his love of this other woman by at least acknowledging the affair. My guess is that if a man is putting his marriage of 18 years in jeopardy, then it means he is madly in love. I would like to hear your opinion about people living ambiguous situations like this. — Living on a Prayer

Dear Liv: I do not find this situation ambiguous at all. Your husband wants to stay married, for whatever reason, and he wants the girlfriend on the side. As for your proof and his denial, it reminds me of the famous instruction attributed to Fernando Lamas: "Deny, deny, deny." Comedians have embroidered on this line by adding, "Who are you going to believe — me or your own eyes?"

As for whom the cheater loves, I actually think it's himself. Men who run around are often narcissistic, insecure and looking for excitement. In other words, they are not integrated, mature human beings. For a woman in your position, the decision is whether to put up with his dual life or live on your own.

When you say he won't leave you or let you go, may I remind you that you are half of this marriage, and should you so choose, you can let him go. Good luck figuring things out. — Margo, decisively

Dear Margo: I have been married to a great guy for the last 10 years, and like any relationship, it hasn't been without problems. We have managed to work through some very serious situations, but the one thing we can't agree on is his "allowing" me to travel via airplane. He is a firm believer that I am going to perish in an airplane crash!

I honestly do not know why he has this irrational fear, but it's there. I have a job that occasionally requires me to travel, and in the past I have not been able to go unless I take the whole family!

I love my husband, but I really don't know what to do about this. I'm not in jeopardy of losing my job because I have two great bosses, but at some point I may need to travel to Florida for a convention, and I don't want to drive that far! Suggestions? — Trapped

Dear Trap: You must not allow him to saddle you with his fears. Tell him he is irrational, and that anything can happen to anyone at any time. Inform him that he is free never to fly, but that would be his decision, not yours. Frankly, I have never heard of anyone who takes the whole family on a business trip so they could all, worst-case scenario, perish together.

And do inform your husband he is not authorized to "allow" you to do anything, because you are equals under the law and in marriage. Or at least in the kind of marriage you choose to be in. — Margo, airily

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.