Dear Prudence: During the holidays, my young niece secretly eloped with an older man who is a convicted felon. None of the family, including her parents, was aware of it until after the new year.

It suddenly occurred to the bride that she missed out on an opportunity to receive some nice wedding presents. She conned her doting grandparents into hosting and paying for a "wedding" with the white dress, seven bridesmaids, and a barbecue for 100 expected guests.

I wouldn't have had a problem had it been billed as a wedding reception, but the invitations were the schmaltzy "you are invited to celebrate the beginning of Jack & Jill's life together," and included business cards from the merchants where she was registered for gifts. One of the cards even had a dollar figure on it as a minimum gift amount.

I declined the invitation, even after the bride's grandmother threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't attend. I'm all for marital bliss, but not as a fund-raiser, and announcing that you won't be my friend if I don't come to your party is a little too much like junior high school for me. Am I being picky? — Ticked

Dear Tic: Even with a thesaurus, Prudie is having trouble coming up with a word to apply to a minimum dollar amount written on a merchant's business card enclosed in a party invitation. (We will not even deal with an almost certainly immature bride and the groom's alma mater, as it were.)

The odds are good that you are not the only one to look askance at this charade, and that Granny will be threatening quite a few others on the guest list. — Prudie, indefensibly

Dear Prudie: I feel really sad and guilty about saying this, but the truth is, I don't like my mother. In fact, I don't know if I can honestly say that I love her. In the past, I thought that putting a continent between us would help the situation, but it hasn't. I found that when she called, I would still feel irritated and ultimately drained by her negativity, dependence and constant offering of unsolicited advice.

When she visited, I felt anxious at the thought of her being alone in my house all day while I was at work and took some of my belongings to work for safekeeping. For years, our conversations consisted (and still do) of her doing most of the talking. She is clingy, very needy and doesn't understand personal boundaries. I feel that she seeks to live through me, and I resent it. I feel angry that she's made her children her life, and now that we are all well into adulthood, she doesn't have a life of her own.

To complicate matters, my husband absolutely loves her and wants her around more frequently than I am comfortable with. The situation is complex. I don't want to hurt her, and I have given a lot of thought to having a discussion with her about my feelings, but I'm afraid she will get sulky and/or play the martyr.

Prudie, I know that I can't change her, but how do I get past my anger and resentment? — Tired of Being Angry

Dear Tire: Ditch the guilt. Being related by blood is an accident of DNA. Nowhere is it written that everyone must love everyone, and these discordant notes happen in the best of families. Forget having a "discussion" with her. Because of her age, her lifelong pattern and her neuroses, you wouldn't get very far.

The thing for you to do is spend a little time with a good therapist so you can get to the point where you can achieve some combination of understanding and tuning out. You may even discover, in this process, some buried stuff of your own. — Prudie, therapeutically

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Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.