Dear Margo: My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s. He is divorced, with a beautiful, older-than-she-looks, 9-year-old daughter. He and I are enjoying an active and satisfying budding relationship of a year.

A few months into "us," we decided it was appropriate to introduce his daughter to my home and allow her to stay the night when it was "his" weekend. It became clear to me that she was used to "Daddy" sleeping with her, in the same bed, until she went to sleep . . . which usually turned into all night.

I turned a spare room into a child's paradise for her and set clear ground rules that, in my home, there would be a set bedtime, and to bed we would all go — adults separate from child. The most disturbing part of all of this, and the reason that I am writing, is because before I ever met his daughter, he and I would have lots of fun role-playing in our private time, and "daddy/daughter" was and is one of our favorites to "play."

I am a healthy, proper, educated adult who, when I role-play, do it for fun, but the line is starting to blur with me. When he makes comments about how "beautiful" young, young girls are, is he simply being a doting father/admiring neighbor, or should I be worried? The hardest part is that our "role-playing" is feeding my suspicions. I definitely do not have any thoughts of my own father when we role-play. — Suspicious

Dear Sus: A 9-year-old is WAY TOO OLD to be in her father's bed, and she has been in there about eight years too long. You are not wrong about this being a danger sign, and neither have you misinterpreted the role-playing. This man is either in denial about his problem, or trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Before you get deeper into this relationship, you need to insist that he get counseling, whether or not he is actually "doing anything" about his yearnings. The child, as well, will likely need therapy. You need to lay down the law or leave the situation. (You may decide to exit the romance, anyway.) You should also consider alerting the child's mother, in case she's a dim bulb or perhaps no sexualized behavior has surfaced yet.

P.S. about the role-playing. There is nothing wrong with fantasies in the bedroom, but do understand that one of your "favorites" is not doctor/nurse or strange lady in a bar . . . it is incest.

Dear Margo: I'm white, in my mid-20s and have been dating a black man for about five years. My mother has a problem with this. My boyfriend and I have discussed living together and getting married for quite some time, but we're waiting to be settled with school and career. I know that our love is strong enough to withstand whatever, even though my mother makes things quite difficult.

When the relationship first started, she practically disowned me. She has come around to a degree; nevertheless, he is still not welcome in my mother's house. Therefore, holidays and family get-togethers are difficult because he is not allowed to attend. Although no other family members appear to have an issue with this relationship, no one has taken the initiative to defend me relative to my mother's prejudiced views. Is there any way I can get her to accept him? — Standing Strong

Dear Stand: Time is your best ally. When your mother understands that this is the real deal (and when you make yourself scarce at family gatherings), chances are she will soften. It would be good if others in the family would speak up on your behalf, but it sounds as though no one wants to get into it with her.

Prejudice, you should know, is often deep-seated and irrational, therefore difficult to dislodge. The good news, however, is that very often, when people come to know a specific person, the old prejudices melt away — at least regarding that person. I wish you luck with a tough situation.

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.