Dear Margo: I have never seen this issue in any of the advice columns, and I need advice.

More than 20 years ago, I did sex work of a kind where I did not have intercourse with the clients. (It was S&M.) I only did it for a few months, and felt very lost at that time, but I got into recovery and managed to turn my life around.

I am now a librarian, and recently divorced (not because of this issue; he found out about that by accident early in our relationship and didn't hold it against me).

I am now dating, and this is what I'm not sure about: I think honesty is necessary for a stable relationship, but do I have to tell a boyfriend I used to do this kind of work?

I learned the hard way not to blab this too soon in a relationship. When is the right time to reveal this, if ever? — Miss X

Dear Miss: I perhaps do not know the fine points of being a dominatrix, but it has never seemed to me to be prostitution. I always thought of it as somewhere between being kinky and bossy.

In any case, because you didn't stick around for very long, and it was 20 years ago, I don't think relating that period is necessary, and would suggest that you let your current status speak for you: that of a divorced librarian.

There might come a time when you are in a romance where you might feel like revealing this long-ago bit of history. These days, the dog collars, boots and whips seem like a mere bagatelle. — Margo, submissively

Depends What Your Definition of a Job Is

Dear Margo: Christmas before last I invited a friend who was trying to relocate to the area where my family lives to spend the holiday with us.

Afterward, I asked my mother if it would be OK for him to stay with her while he looked for a new job and an apartment. She has a huge house with plenty of empty rooms, with only one daughter still living at home. She was happy to take him in for a month or so.

Well, he is still living there, with no job prospects, and as far as I can tell, he's made very little attempt to find work. In the meantime, he has taken on the role of my mother's houseboy, cooking and cleaning and answering the phones.

I have a huge problem with this. Not only does it bother me to have to see him when I go visit my family, but several people have been complaining to me that he is intrusive and they don't like to go to the house because he is there. I find the situation embarrassing and uncomfortable, especially since I'm the one who invited him in the first place.

I have spoken to my mother about this, and she won't do anything because he has been helpful to her and she works such long hours she rarely ever sees him anyway. My sister who still lives at home, however, feels alienated, and finds it inappropriate for a man in his 30s to be a houseguest for this long.

I don't know what to do, but I am very frustrated by the whole situation. — Reluctant Family Member

Dear Re: Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but this chap does have a job, my dear. He is your mother's houseboy. Your sister, who is made uncomfortable by his presence, needs to be the one to carry the water on this one — but my guess is she will not be successful. (Good help is hard to find.) — Margo, realistically

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.