Q: As of this year, my husband and I have been together for 30 years. When we married, we were enthusiastic, both mentally and physically. We didn't want to spend a second apart.
As our children grew and left home, I began doing charity work almost full time. Now that my husband has retired, he devotes most of his energy to golf.
It feels as though, gradually, we've grown apart. We never fight or yell, but we don't communicate much. Every day at home is just dull and boring. I hate to think we'll spend our years together in this rut.
Does this happen to a lot of marriages?
A: Many marriages go through periods such as this, but this lack of passion isn't something that happens to you. Instead, both of you have made choices that have pushed you apart. This rut will only happen continue if you let it.
Once we've been married for many years, a lot of us revert to a more passive attitude toward our relationship and then wonder what's changed. We ignore our commitment to our partner. A successful romance is fragile, and the relationship will die if either partner ignores it or becomes indifferent.
If you don't address your issues, you can end up blaming each other for solvable issues. Common ones include holding grudges, neglecting health or exercise and overspending. You need to talk these things out — not just let them simmer.
Many couples choose not to divorce because they fear the loss of security or money; they fear their children's opinions; or they just lack of energy to start anew. You can still resuscitate your marriage if you both choose to do so, but you should ask yourself if that's what you really want. Marriage is what you make of it.
Make a pact to be more affectionate: Give your partner a hug or kiss every day, and never leave home before doing it. Celebrate each other's gifts of love, affection, friendship, trust, laughter, commitment, caregiving, sexuality and children.
Focus on the positives, and let the negatives go. Talk to your husband about your feelings and concerns, and ask him how he's feeling. Tell him you'd like to spend more time together and are willing to make compromises. Maybe you could volunteer less, and he could play less golf.
Start spending time together: Start walking, talking, traveling, going to the theater and doing other activities you used to enjoy doing together. Work at having more fun.
Don't waste another minute hoping your marriage will improve on its own. Go and do something about it! — Doug
CHOOSING TO CELEBRATE
Q: I'm turning 89 in a few months, but I really don't feel like celebrating. I've been having heart problems and don't think they'll be getting better. I also always feel drained after family gatherings.
When I told my kids this, they were surprised and offered to plan a more relaxing occasion. I still have doubts.
Should I listen to them and give in?
A: Yes.
Celebrations are important in helping us remember to appreciate the passing of time. As we get older, every year starts to feel less significant. These annual events remind us to slow down and enjoy the company of our loved ones.
Many seniors tend to withdraw into themselves, especially when they are undergoing difficulties. Loneliness is one of the biggest problems. Reaching outside of yourself and connecting with others is almost always the right choice.
As your children suggested, adjusting the party for your energy levels is a good compromise. Sit back and let them do all the planning! Let them know if there are any considerations you think they should keep in mind.
Your role is just to enjoy. — Emma
Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at [email protected]. Emma, Doug's granddaughter, helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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