Dear Annie: I've been married to a wonderful man for 30 years. His family has always made me feel like an outsider — rude, dismissive, the works.

Ten years ago, I finally stepped back from them. We reconnected briefly five years ago when his father passed, mostly with his mother, but this year they've slid right back into their old habits. It's to the point where it's affecting my health: I've developed real anxiety, even depression, over it.

I've decided to cut them off again, for good this time. I've given them more chances than they deserved. What I don't know is how to tell my husband I'm done with his family without breaking his heart. — Done for Good

Dear Done for Good: You can tell your husband the truth plainly: you love him, this isn't about him, and your health can't survive another round with his family. Cutting them off doesn't require cutting him off from them, too. He can still call his mother on Sundays; you just don't have to be on the line.

Dear Annie: I've been getting together with the same group of friends for more than 20 years. The group used to be much larger, but now there are only five of us. Two pairs have especially close friendships with each other outside the group, and I often feel like the fifth wheel.

One woman hardly says a word, another constantly complains about her husband, one is controlling and the other is a know-it-all. Honestly, I've lost interest in spending time with them, but at my age, everyone says staying social is good, so I'm torn.

My dilemma is: Do I keep showing up for the social connection or stop going because I no longer enjoy it? And if I do drop out, how should I go about it? If I simply disappear, I'm sure it'll open up a lot of questions I don't feel I need to answer. Help! — Fifth Wheel

Dear Fifth Wheel: You're right that staying social is important. But that doesn't mean staying part of a friend group you've outgrown.

Just as these four women have grown closer to each other, you're allowed to branch out, too. You don't need to make a big announcement or a dramatic exit. Just start saying no once in a while and only go when you actually want to — not because you feel like you have to. If someone asks where you've been, tell them you've been spending your time a little differently lately.

You can't make room for new friendships if you're clinging to old ones that no longer fit. It's OK to stop being the fifth wheel and start driving your own social life.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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