Q: My friend got her bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in social work. She then got a degree as a counselor/social worker. People can get degrees in almost anything if they are intelligent enough to understand the material they study and pass the required tests. A degree is not a good judge of how a person will be in a career in that field. I have known my friend throughout school. She is fun, witty, entertaining, great to go to parties with, but scattered and somewhat narcissistic. This is not the person you'd want as a therapist, as she would talk about herself the minute you talked about a problem.

She wants me to write a recommendation letter for her to attest for the kind of person she is. She's a fun friend; as a counselor, I could never recommend her because "listening" to others is not her strong suit. Please don't tell me to be honest with her. I like her as a friend, but how do I write an honest recommendation letter. I take this kind of request seriously, and counseling is the last field she should have gone into. While it may be true that I haven't seen her professionally, I can attest to the fact that her personality does suit the field. What should I do?

A: First, she's requested a personal reference letter, not to be confused with a business one. Second, your thoughts and feelings are opinions developed from your experiences with her as a friend, not your analysis of how she may be in a job. Friends can show certain personality features with certain friends and not with others. A peaceful approach to her request is to ask her to write and email you the type of reference letter she wants from you. That way, you'll see what she wants you to say and you can edit it, as you like. It would not be appropriate for you to blast her in a letter with descriptions explaining why she should not be a counselor. Your personal reference should state the number of years you've known her, and the features in her personality you have experienced through that friendship. For example, address your friend's honesty, integrity, friendliness, open-mindedness and accepting behavior. Omit negative comments and state only honest, but positive ones.

Your friend's tendency to be a bit self-centered in a social relationship may not necessarily translate into a client-centered one. If she did an internship in her field, working with patients, her teachers are the ones who will comment and judge her ability to connect and professionally relate to patients.

On the other hand, if she writes a letter for you to sign, remarking on her ability to listen and empathize, or as someone you have always been able to count on in times of need, tell her you think those recommendations have crossed the line and are inappropriate since you have never seen her in a professional capacity. Explain you should be commenting on personal qualities only. Once you write a few kind sentences about traits you have seen and have experienced in your friendship, she will understand the difference between personal and business references. References of all kinds should be professional, and being "catty" is neither proper nor appropriate at any time.

Email your questions to workplace expert Lindsey Novak at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter @TheLindseyNovak and Facebook at Lindsey.Novak.12. To find out more about Lindsey Novak, visit the Creators Syndicate Website at www.creators.com.

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