Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 31 fantastic years. Six years ago, "Shelley" was promoted, and her new job required her to do a lot of out-of-state business travel.

Shelley is very efficient and keeps annual logbooks with the details of her business travel. While I was cleaning up the basement storage area a few weeks ago, I came across her old logbooks, dating back to 1998. Out of curiosity, I opened one, and it had details of a business meeting with a male client — their dinner and conversation, as well as the details of her activities with him in her hotel room. I was totally shocked to read the things they had done.

Shelley was out of town, so for the next three evenings, I went through all of her logbooks. Each had details similar to the first, not only with that man, but with two others. She has been with these three men on a regular basis.

Should I tell her that I know about her secret life or pretend I am still unaware of it? We are happily married, or so I thought. — Clueless in New York

Dear Clueless: Ignorance may be bliss, but you are no longer ignorant, and you are not going to simply forget the information in those logbooks. Tell Shelley what you found, and ask her to go with you for counseling. Your wife needs to put her marriage first, and that means making it more important than her job, which apparently provides too great a temptation.

Dear Annie: I am 12 years old, and my mom has a terrible habit. Whenever she relaxes, she picks at her armpit and leg hair. She claims it's because she is stressed. She started doing this about two years ago, and my family has been disgusted ever since. We have told her many times that this makes us sick, but she supposedly can't stop. What can we do? — Disgusted in California

Dear California: Yuck. Your mom probably has little control over this habit. It sounds like trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling), and she may need therapy or medication to overcome it. You and your dad should contact the Trichotillomania Learning Center (www.trich.org), 303 Potrero St., Suite 51, Santa Cruz, CA 95060.

Dear Annie: My 75-year-old father recently had surgery, which went extremely well. Dad was able to move comfortably and seemed reasonably at ease upon arriving home.

The problem is, the doctor told Dad to "eat moderately." Dad thinks this means a diet of about 300 calories. His "moderate" food intake for the day is two or three pieces of lightly buttered toast, and tea with skim milk. That's it.

It is possible the doctor explained his diet in more detail, but Dad has only partial hearing (God forbid he get a hearing aid as the world would end), and he may have missed instructions. We've asked Dad to take notes or bring a tape recorder, but he is embarrassed to do so. It would have been so helpful if the doctor could have written down some diet suggestions in the post-surgery packet, and perhaps a listing of sample meals. Medical personnel may not realize that older patients come home to caregivers who are completely mystified by these bits and pieces of information.

Right now, we're hoping that Dad's hunger pangs will force him into the kitchen for a more realistic diet. — Connecticut

Dear Conn.: You are right that older patients often are too embarrassed to ask for clarification when they cannot hear instructions, and it is a good idea for adult children or caregivers to inform the doctor's office of this before surgery.

Don't wait for those hunger pangs. Call Dad's doctor immediately and explain the problem. Your father is starving himself on 300 calories. He will lose weight and weaken, and that could undermine his recovery. Ask the doctor to send you written instructions or refer you to a nutritionist who will put Dad on an appropriate diet.

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