Dear Annie: My husband, "George," and I have been caring for my mother-in-law for the past three years. Unfortunately, we can no longer continue and must put her in a nursing facility.

The problem is her doctor. He is trying to dictate which facility to put Mom in. He wants her at the place where he is on staff, but we don't like that facility. We much prefer a different home, but the doctor does not have staff privileges there. Now he refuses to fill out any medical forms or turn over her medical records to anyone, and he is generally making our lives miserable. We have since found another doctor for my mother-in-law who is much more cooperative and whom we like a great deal. Do we have any recourse against the original doctor? Can we report him somewhere? — Fed Up in New Jersey

Dear Fed Up: According to the New Jersey State Board of Medical Examiners, your doctor has 30 days to provide the records after receiving a written request from the patient, or whoever the patient has designated. Physicians may not refuse to release a copy of the medical records if they are needed for treatment by another health care provider, although you do need to pay for the costs of reproduction. If Mom's new doctor still doesn't have the necessary information, you can file a complaint with your county medical society or the New Jersey Board of Medical Examiners.

Dear Annie: Please help me. My husband has been singing duets with a female vocalist. Could the singing be his way of finding an outlet for his sexual needs? He shows no affection toward me at all. We've had no sex for the past 13 months. I'm not included in his singing practices or the gigs where they perform. This situation is nearly driving me to a mental breakdown. I've asked him to stop singing with her, and he has, but it hasn't changed his attitude toward me. What should I do? — Singing Solo

Dear Solo: Singing is not likely to be a sexual substitute, but it certainly may be emotionally satisfying to your husband. Is he in love with his duet partner? He obviously had a connection with this woman and didn't want you to be part of it. The two of you need to find your own connection, and this may involve counseling. Ask him to go with you so you can work on your apparent estrangement and find ways to strengthen your marriage.

Dear Annie: This is for "Oklahoma Parents," who said the "system failed" their 24-year-old son, "Jared," who was into drugs and has been in and out of jail for domestic abuse, possession and failure to pay child support. The system didn't fail your son — YOU did.

I speak from experience. At 19, with barely a high school education, I was living at home, collecting the dole and working only long enough to keep collecting it. I, too, had plenty of reasons to blame others for my situation, but eventually, my mother had enough and threw me out. That was the best thing she could have done.

Twenty-four years later, I am happily married with four wonderful children and a thriving career. This never would have happened if my mother hadn't had the courage to do what she felt was right. She continued to provide support to me (emotionally and financially), but only as I made progress on my own. My priorities changed and my survival skills (suppressed when not in regular use) were honed when I suddenly needed to worry about what I would eat for the next week.

These parents should do the same. Yes, there is a risk, but are they planning to shelter Jared forever? What happens when they're gone and he needs to start looking after himself when he's 50? — Eternally Thankful to Mom in Canada

Dear Canada: We're glad your mother had the backbone to make you stand on your own two feet — and that you were resilient enough to turn things around. We hope Jared's parents are paying attention.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.