The new year started in a bit of a panic when, after his evening walk, my dog began throwing up and then flopped over on his side. I called him into the other room because I wanted to see him move. He popped up, trotted about 10 feet and then stood there looking at me. I was relieved for about a second, but then he began wobbling and sat, as if to steady himself. His head was shaking back and forth a little. Then he began throwing up again. In between heaves he was twitchy — not sure where twitching ends and convulsing begins but it seemed to my fiance and me that he was on the border. Definitely south of seizure but north of twitching.

Here is the thing about my dog. He is the cutest, sweetest most adorable dog in the entire universe and if anything happens to him, I will die. For this reason, I'm sure something is going to happen to him. It's just science.

So, convinced something awful was happening, we scooped up the little guy, debated whether to put him in his car carrier or in my lap — I finally decided on the carrier for fear that if he was in my lap he would sense and feed off my anxiety, again, just science — jumped in the car and drove to the vet. I spent the entire car ride swiveled around staring into the metal grate of the pet carrier that was strapped into the back seat. Oliver was reclining against the towel in a way I'd never seen. He was flopped on his side and his head was leaning on the towel not unlike a drunk passed out near a toilet. I was semi-convinced we were going to lose him on the way to the vet, and it was a small victory every time he held his head up.

Oliver was a runt — two ounces when he was born and hand fed because his mother was a whore. Actually, that's not true. I'm not sure what her deal was, but I know she had better things to do than nurse him so he was saved and raised by humans. He is a third the size he's supposed to be — he's a six and a half pound Cavalier King Charles Spaniel — and he's always skinny no matter how much he eats, the lucky bastard.

But because he's a runt, I'm always worried there's something wrong with him despite being assured from the outset that runts often have a will to live that makes them healthier than their siblings.

When we got to the vet, the nurse took his vitals and told us he was stable. She said the vet was going to examine him and then would be in to see us. We could have a seat in a tiny room filled with posters about heartworm and cat toxins. After what felt like a lifetime but was probably only half an hour, still a long time when you're panicking, the vet came into the little room and asked if Oliver could have gotten into anything and said he seemed like a "pot dog."

Was the vet accusing us of being stoners who leave our pot around the house? I was both offended and kind of happy that I give off a libertine vibe but I explained that there's no pot in our house. The vet asked if Oliver might have found a joint on the walk. We admitted that he does put everything in his mouth when he's walking. The vet listed the things that could make him act this way — pot, nicotine (a cigarette butt or nicotine gum), Vicodin, Xanax, alcohol or licking antifreeze. He brought Oliver in so we could see him. He was unsteady on his feet and seemed disoriented. He couldn't walk in a straight line and seemed to only sort of recognize me. "He seems drunk," said the vet.

On the vet's recommendation, we left him over night while they followed a protocol for toxin ingestion — activated charcoal and IV fluids.

The following day we picked him up and he was himself again. If he had any realizations about himself, his place in the universe and the way we're all one while he was tripping, he hasn't shared them with me.

At this point I view all gum as nicotine gum, which is what I suspect may have been the culprit. Sure enough, during his first walk back in the neighborhood, he tried to put gum in his mouth. He's an addict.

An intervention is in order.

Hear more from Alison Rosen on her podcast, "Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend" or on the immensely popular "Adam Carolla Show" podcast. Follow her on Twitter @alisonrosen or visit her website at www.alisonrosen.com.