I'm a 57-year-old lesbian, and I'm only attracted to much younger women (very early 20s). We're obviously in very different places in our lives, and these "relationships" don't last very long. I also get a lot of grief from my friends. I can't change whom I'm attracted to, but I would like a long-term relationship. — Seeking
Your previous girlfriend probably remembers prom like it was yesterday — because, for her, it kinda was.
Making matters worse, millennials and post-millennials (generally speaking) are the most overprotected, overparented generations ever — to the point where university administrators probably have stern talks with at least a few parents: "Your son is a freshman in college. You can't be sneaking into the dining hall to cut his food for him."
Sure, there are probably some precociously mature 20-somethings out there. However, it usually takes a chunk of life experience — and relationship experience — for a person to grow into who they are and figure out what they want in a partner. So, as a 57-year-old woman, you're probably as well-paired with the average 22-year-old as you are with the average head of lettuce or desk lamp.
But say — one day while you're cruising the aisles at Forever 21 — you find the 20-something lady Socrates. There's still a problem, and it's the way society sneers at a big age gap between partners. The thumbs-downing comes both from a couple's "own social networks" and from "society at large," finds social psychologist Justin Lehmiller. However, "perceived marginalization by one's social network" appears to be most damaging — "significantly" predicting breakups.
Granted, it's possible that you have some rigid age cutoff in the regions of your brain that do the "hot or not?" calculations. If that's the case, simply finding a woman who's young-looking is a no-go. (When she starts to get those little laugh lines around the eyes, will you put her out on the curb with that aging TV from the guest room?)
But ask yourself whether you simply prefer the springier chickens and are actually just afraid of the emotional risks (as well as the emotional adulthood) required in being with somebody closer to your age. That's something you can work to correct. Ultimately, if you want a relationship, the answer to your "Hey, babe...where have you been all my life?" shouldn't be "Um...waiting for my parents to meet so I could do the fun stuff fetuses do, like kickboxing in the womb and giving my mom gestational diabetes."
The Customer Is Always Frightened
I'm a 36-year-old single woman. I've noticed that the more I like a guy the more nervous I get and the louder, more irreverent, and more inappropriate I become. I'm actually a really sweet girl. How can I stop doing this? — Unintentionally Brash
Your cocktail party conversation shouldn't translate to "I mean, come on...do I really seem like a danger to myself and society?!"
To calm down so you can talk like a person instead of a scary person, it helps to understand — as I explain in my new "science-help" book, "Unf*ckology" — that "emotions aren't just thinky things." They have a basis in the body. For example, in the case of fear, your heart pounds, you breathe faster, and adrenaline surges — whether what you're afraid of is physical death or just, say, dying onstage while giving a talk — as you watch 43 people simultaneously yawn and pull out their phone.
The human brain is a marvel, but we can take advantage of how it's also about as easily tricked as my dog. Take that bodily reaction of fear — pounding heart and all — which also happens to be the bodily reaction of being excited. Research by Harvard Business School's Alison Wood Brooks finds that you can "reappraise" your fear as excitement — by repeatedly saying aloud to yourself, "I am excited" (to talk with some guy, for example) — and actually shift yourself from a "'threat' mind-set" to an "'opportunity' mind-set."
Also, assuming the current weather isn't "nuclear holocaust with a chance of rain," some dude you're flirting with probably isn't the last man on the continent. Keeping that in mind, reframe your interaction as a mere opportunity for something to happen with him — and an opportunity to figure out whether it's a good idea.
You do that not by selling yourself like it's 4:56 p.m. on Sunday at a yard sale but by asking him about himself. Counterintuitively, you'll probably be at your most attractive by leaving a man guessing about you — as opposed to leaping to conclusions, like that you were the little girl who beheaded all the other little girls' Barbies.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com). Order her new book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence."
It's Amy Alkon's "HumanLab — The Science Between Us." Amy brings in the luminaries of behavioral science to solve our problems in love, work, and life. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — from 7 to 7:30 p.m. Pacific time; or listen or download at the link, at iTunes, or on Stitcher. This week, Ashley Merryman on using the science of winning and losing to be our best.